There’s this stigma attached to relationships changing a person, I decided to evaluate my own life and share my thoughts on this matter;
I started looking around and noticed that everyone is a product of influence, unfortunately good or bad. When God created relationships I think He intended them to change us in some way, looking at a very basic example, check how your relationship with God changes you. I guess that might sound a little too spiritual for some people, so let’s bring it closer to home; have you noticed yourself picking up some habits, thinking patterns or attributes from the company you keep? No? Okay let’s look at the things you have picked up from your mom, dad or siblings then, this is a result of growing up around them, even though some things may be genetic, the bulk is simply influence. Reality is the company you keep is what will influence you and eventually change you. So going back to my first statement, I assume the word change is what makes people feel uneasy, I mean I have heard people say things like, “never let a man change you” I assume what that actually means is, “make sure you do not get influenced by a man enough to allow change to happen”, if that is the case, I totally disagree and here is why…
In my understanding and experiences, I totally understand why the man you court or marry can’t just be anyone. This is because becoming one is actually a really serious affair, you will take in the good things and bad things, and you sure hope the good things override any bad things because reality is, humans are a mess. I have not really wrapped my head around what “change” in a relationship context is, but if it is what I have in mind, then I certainly don’t understand why you won’t allow a relationship to change you! If change means becoming less selfish, putting the other person first, compromising, being slow to anger, learning to forgive quicker, not staying angry, learning how to pray beyond yourself, learning to accommodate someone else and completely sharing your space, being vulnerable, being rebuked on bad habits you’ve accumulated, creating good habits over and over again, re-evaluating and refining your desires and dreams, being challenged daily, needing more of Jesus every day, being introduced to new things, allowing yourself to think differently about things, learning to sacrifice and and and, then why on earth is this change such a bad thing?
I really believe humans are actually so selfish that anything that challenges what they want and think should be, is automatically frowned upon. In my personal experience, my relationship with my husband has brought so much life, fulfilment and growth into my life, I couldn’t be more grateful for how God used it to introduce me to me. I really couldn’t be more thankful to have been blessed with the kind of man I have, he challenges me every day, and for the last two years, I have witnessed God change us through our relationship and introducing us to ourselves. I came into my courtship with such selfish intentions, “this is who I am, love it or leave it, you will love me and fall into my perfect little plan, obey my every demand and know that I do not need you, I chose you and can leave anytime I don’t get my way..brother!” If this sounds familiar, all I have to say to you is, my friend, you need to grow up. In all honesty, I do not know how my man stuck it out and loved me through this rubbish, the only thing I know is that, it MUST have taken God and he must really love me.
I remember my conversations with God in my first two weeks of courtship, I was so furious because I felt like this man will not bow down to my ridiculously selfish and impossible expectations. I also remember before entering into my courtship and God was making me count the cost, He made me aware of the sacrifice and inconvenience love actually is, He focused on what I could offer my partner, how I can serve my partner and what it takes to love, and man I had no idea that it was about to get real, He promised to be there, He promised rest, but He didn’t promise convenience. I was so sure that love was supposed to be so convenient- just do what I ask and don’t ask for what I won’t want to do, but then I realised, there was nothing convenient about the cross, and that is the true reflection of real love. I realised that I needed to grow up, and everything that could potentially hinder that, I let go of. I had the most interesting courtship and that is because I fell in love with the most interesting man, what I loved most about what we had was how my partner refused to tolerate my bad habits, he chose to love me and he was not afraid to challenge the things I believed in- of course I wasn’t so fond of it back then, but now, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love that I learned and still learn so much from him, I love that my relationship with God grew so much because of our relationship and that his relationship with God also grew because of what we had and more than anything, I love that God taught me how to be teachable, renew my mind and seek out biblical truth.
The thing about a Godly relationship is that you have to walk in agreement (this is a biblical concept by the way), so if one person thinks A and the other B, you are actually forced to ask God what the answer is, and I promise you, God cares about a healthy relationship, and He isn’t schitzo, you will get the same answer, sometimes it will merely be based on what is good for your relationship. The main thing I got to learn was that being in agreement doesn’t always mean being happy with what is agreed on, maybe initially, but there isn’t anything I have agreed on and not eventually fully enjoyed, the fruits I saw in my relationship helped me to soon forget that I once disagreed. I mean my husband can speak for himself, but this perspective is solely from my side of things.
I have explored ideas I never imagined myself exploring, I have changed my mind about things I never thought I’d change my mind about, I have given up things I never thought I would see myself give up, I have also adopted things I could have never thought, and I have found so much joy and fulfilment in doing this, I have met myself through allowing this change. I sometimes sit and wonder, “How on earth did I once allow myself to think like that?”. I remember we got into couple discipleship within the first week of courting, and at our second meeting, the couple that disciples us said, “Relationships change you”, I was sitting there thinking, “What did I get myself into?” However, having gone through everything I have been through, I now think “How could you not let them?” as long as they bring you closer to God, reveal more of who He is, and make you a better you, you cannot go wrong.
I have also seen that God teaches you to put your partner first, I trust and have trusted my partner’s relationship with God, that means I trust he also wants what is best for me, and now being a wife, it makes it so much easier to submit to a man that is submitted to God, even in his imperfections. It’s not always nice, but it’s absolutely fulfilling.
Relationships do change you; we just hope it’s the right kind of change. They bring you to maturity and they introduce you to self. So if I was foolish to embrace the change, I would be a fool over and over again.
So simply to say, I believe in change, even if it’s influenced by a man, your partner and your rib donor. All I advise is that he is influenced and submitted to God, but allow a relationship to help you grow up.
Proverbs 27:17 “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” – TLEPS!
#My BFF