On Marriage and Keeping our Vows

By Antranias from Pixabay

My first reaction to single people who express how much they want to get married is always “don’t do it”, I know they will anyway but I put the warning out there as a responsible citizen. It’s not that I have a terrible marriage, to be honest, although my marriage isn’t perfect, I quite enjoy it in most seasons, I enjoy the benefits and the role it plays in grooming me to be the best version of myself. So at the end of it, my reaction is not based on marriage being a nice place or not, but it’s more about what the call of marriage requires from us that I feel most people are not ready for. 

I generally come on here when I feel I have valuable lessons to share about my journey, and I think in the last few weeks, God has been laying profound lessons in my soul about marriage and I thought they might help someone out there.

One thing that tends to cause tension and frustration in us is our desire to control who people are to us in marriage. We want to control how they make us feel, how they make us look to others, who they are in relationship with, etc. We tend to want to mould them into an environment best suited for our comfort and joy. I will admit in some marriages this formula perhaps works, but I have also seen how detrimental it can be to others. Perhaps it’s a personality thing? I don’t know, what I know is that it has terribly failed in my marriage, and so I had to sit, re-evaluate my views and try create an environment where my marriage can thrive.

I realised that the more controlling partner (in this context perhaps I took on this label) will be successful at creating a thriving environment for themselves, but the risk is that the environment might be doing the opposite for the “controlled” partner, and so when my husband started drawing clear boundaries for himself, it was a painful and perhaps unfamiliar thing for me (still is sometimes), but I’m learning to appreciate it because it’s allowing him to also build an environment he can thrive in, instead of being the sacrificial lamb for one person’s happiness in a union two  people belong to.

I will not lie, in some seasons it is really hard to feel like you aren’t in control, to feel like you cannot put a gun to your partner’s head to force them into things, yes, EVEN if the things are good for them (like therapy **side eye**), but I think the lesson I’m learning is that love needs to have space to make a choice. We can definitely hold each other accountable to the vows we made to each other, but when you take away peoples choice in love, it denies love the potential to be life giving.

I think the most profound revelation for me recently was God making me aware that I am first accountable to Him before I am to any human on earth. I had been feeling really frustrated in my marriage and it was affecting how I show up for my husband, so in one of my venting sessions with God, I remember Him making me aware that my wedding vows, the covenant I made before Him and witnesses, was first unto Him before it was unto my spouse. God takes covenants seriously, similar to when we make promises to people, God instructs us to keep our word, so me keeping my end of the bargain is obedience to God. 

I remember Him saying “Mahadi, if you spent all your energy towards doing the things you promised and vowed to do, you would be less frustrated and concerned about how well or how badly your husband is doing his part, you are barely getting through your own list, perhaps focus on that”…. I really had to pause in that moment and think about it, is God really pleased with how well I’m keeping my vows? If not, perhaps I do indeed need to refocus on pleasing God vs trying to see how well my husband is keeping his promises to me and stop trying to control how best he loves me.

I think that conversation with God really free’d me in many ways, it’s not that I won’t be affected by my husband’s imperfections, I think it’s just free’d me to feel like I’m first accountable to Adonai before any other human, and that’s the “person” I want to please. That’s the prize. God Himself. How others fail or succeed to love us should not impact how faithful we are to what we vowed to do, what we vowed to be here for. Even if marriages do fall apart, may we at least be found having been faithful in the things we promised.

Let our labour of love be pleasing to The One who rules over us.

Psalm 24 vs 1 -6

(0) By David. A psalm:

(1) The earth is Adonai’s, with all that is in it,

the world and those who live there;

2 for he set its foundations on the seas

and established it on the rivers.

3 Who may go up to the mountain of Adonai?

Who can stand in his holy place?

4 Those with clean hands and pure hearts,

who don’t make vanities the purpose of their lives or swear oaths just to deceive.

5 They will receive a blessing from Adonai

and justice from God, who saves them.

6 Such is the character of those who seek him,of Ya‘akov, who seeks your face. (Selah) 

Breaking by Naz

The wheel keeps moving,

Our hearts keep breaking,

These graves we keep digging

& our numbered days they keep rigging…

Just as we catch our breath;

today it’s Beth,

just after Seth,

it’s yet another death…

We’re here again,

6 feet before the open earth,

please,

we can’t keep up the math,

This hell has no sabbath

our souls aren’t well..

Waiting and waiting for another bell,

for the funeral parlour has something to sell, there’s a wreath we have to pick and smell…

Our hope is depleted,

so many numbers to be deleted,

death has us defeated

and perhaps our faith is now muted and seated…

What will soothe us?

Maybe the knowledge that mortals do pass, that we get to jump onto the next bus,

and hopefully,

although it’s sometimes doubtfully,

may our next address,

at least be filled with less of a mess…

Preserving a Softened Heart

Image by Gabby K

I saw a quote the other day that triggered me to think about the state of my heart. It spoke about having a softened heart even though hardships and tragedy break them in unimaginable ways; ways that often demand us to pause time and rebuild ourselves in contexts we do not recognize or wish to exist in. Tragedy really tends to dismantle and disempower us, and while we think it can least pause time for us to get back up, the wheel keeps moving and we just need to find ways to keep piling the bricks back up and hope nothing blows them over again (at least not for a while).

We have all had some seasons that have felt like this, where a drizzle starts, it maybe escalates into some rain and before we know it, it just feels like it won’t stop pouring. I imagine a lot of us relate to such a season in this pandemic, where every other tweet, conversation, article or experience seems to highlight the heaviness and impact of the pandemic, where everyone is just trying to make it to the next moment without breaking anything further inside of them.

But what do we do when our hearts keep breaking? How do we rebuild? How do we even begin to overcome? Honestly, I do not think I have a step by step guide on how to, so maybe if you are reading this post with that hope, let me not disappoint you any further, the guide isn’t going to come. What I would like to do is unpack something that recently happened in my life, share my process and only hope at the end of this post it might help someone to at least start looking for the bricks and attempt to rebuild with a lighter heart.

There is something about the things we hold in our hearts that burden or free us; when we hold despair, hopelessness, anger, resentment and bitterness, everything we touch and experience will be tainted with the darkness that seems to come with those emotions. When we hold love, peace, joy, hope and kindness, everything we experience, and touch will also make that evident. What we hold in our hearts affects everything about us, and unfortunately, the darkness of tragedy goes straight to the heart and leaves very little light for us to come back to.

We got news about a death in our community this last week, one I couldn’t even begin to process without being angry. I couldn’t accurately articulate what my heart felt when I heard the news, but what I recognized was an overwhelming sense of anger and sadness. I had no capacity or desire to proclaim any hope, any scripture, any life-giving word, phrase, song or anything of that nature. I needed everything in me to embrace and understand the anger and darkness that surrounded my heart in the moment, it was an unjust event and it deserved to be acknowledged as that.

As I took the time to sit with my emotions, all other traumatic events that my heart had passed through flooded my memory again. All things that had tested me in the most hurtful ways and caused me pain suddenly found their way back to my reality and I couldn’t figure out the reason why. It took some time and processing to realize that, perhaps all familiar wounds in us gather again when a fresh wound enters our souls. Perhaps some gather because they were buried alive, some might gather as a mere reminder that pain will visit time and again, but I think most gather as an affirmation that this that we feel is not new, that we once overcame it and it is indeed possible to overcome it yet again.

I started thinking about those who have lived more than I have, those who have faced more than I have and wondered how on earth they have managed to not harden their hearts towards life. I think some have hardened their hearts to survive, and for that I offer nothing but compassion because trials and tribulations can really break us down. However, there are some who have managed to preserve the gentleness in their hearts, those who still manage to hold light in them even though darkness has consumed them over and over again, and while I was being honest, I realized that I have not managed to be this person in some parts of my life. Some things have been too hard to not just bury, and because our souls can hold so much, all the rot has remained disguised and this fresh wound has exposed that. I felt a sense of gratitude for something like that being brought into light, and I walked away with the revelation that keeping our hearts softened amid tragedy should really be something we prioritize. Tragedy might not stop visiting us, we might keep experiencing the same kind of violence with every visit, but who do we become when the dust settles? Do we choose healing? Do we remain in the dark? Do we hope again? Who do we become when the dust settles?

There is a lot happening in each one of us, we might not be ready to unwrap, clean and heal some wounds, we might not be willing to heal from some of our deepest pain, we might not know how to move back towards the light, but let us at least start by being aware of where we are. Let us acknowledge the hardened parts in us and let us at least grief parts of us that tragedy has changed. Once we do that, perhaps the courage to rebuild will come. While we pray, while we cry, while we gather up the energy to have these conversations in our safe spaces, perhaps we can then begin to pile up the bricks again.

May our hearts remain soft amid pain, may the light find us again and may we never settle for the pain of living with hardened hearts. There is life after tragedy, and even though we do not see it yet, we can process until we find it again.

I wish us healing, comfort, love and hope in this season.

“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world” John 16:33

For Better or For Worse

Photo by Frans Van Heerden

There are many reasons I love the institution of marriage, but I especially love how well it holds us accountable to the truth about love. It is indeed true that all relationships should always bring us back to a place of loving people, but there is something about the covenant of marriage that compels us to explore everything that love has to offer (including the unappealing parts of it). I do believe that there is a significant reason some things in the Bible are communicated in a clear manner, things that do not need some form of “interpretation”, cultural context or a 7 days fast to understand. Love is one of those things. In fact, the whole Bible is one big way to show us how love operates and manifests itself in humanity.
In my 6^th year of marriage, I have now come to better understand one of the many characteristics of love written in 1 Corinthians 13; Love perseveres, some translations say, “endures all things” and “bears all things”.

When we stand at the altar on our wedding day, we promise to be committed to each other “for better or for worse”, but what we do not comprehend is how worse the “worse” can get. We say this full of conviction and hope, and truly believe that nothing could ever be bigger than what we feel for the person standing in front of us. Overflowing with love, joy and excitement, we maybe do not have the capacity to process what those words mean or the weight they hold in our promise to each other.

The last year of our marriage was heavy for me, we were dealing with so much individual pain that we struggled to pour ourselves into our marriage and to each other. Most of my year was filled with grieving my dad and being unhappy with unmet expectations from my husband, and his was filled with the weight of losing his job, unrealized dreams and having a wife reminding him of how short he is falling as a husband (This is my side of the story anyway). All this created a lot of friction in our home, we eventually got some help and through some tough conversations, the rough patch started to smooth itself out.

There was a point I was considering parting ways with the man I love, the pain seemed bigger at the time. I was making plans in my head and trying to see how life will look like as a single mom. When you are stuck in a rough patch, the anxiety overwhelms you and your mind is unable to see a different reality. You tend to feel suffocated by the prospect of being miserable forever and the only appealing solution is to quit the whole race. I look at where we are now in our marriage and I realize what a tragedy it would have been had we not endured through that period. I started understanding and internalizing “love endures all things” from such a personal place. I thought about how long forever actually is; in this context, if a couple is married for 30 years and experienced a tough 5 years (which probably felt like a lifetime in the moment), were the 25 years of a great marriage not worth fighting for?

It made me think that the concept of being with one person forever is meant to create a safe space for individuals to have seasons where they are unlovable but still feel accepted and sure that love will catch them and endure for them. There is no space for fear if you are the spouse that is afraid of being left for your shortcomings, or a space for pride or ego if you are the spouse that feels tired of receiving the crumbs. There is a balance that demands BOTH parties to be selfless and keep working on their commitment to make it work and a reminder of the promises made to each other.

I sometimes think that our elders almost got it right, the flaw was that it was one sided and it was layered with a lot of abusive traits and intentions. It was also accompanied by the obsession of keeping up facades to avoid the negative things people will say. So I am not addressing what we call “to bekezela” here (a one sided expectation mainly for women), I am perhaps trying to find a healthier way to redeem the concept of not giving up on love.

I will admit that I cannot judge our elders because I have not been married for as long as they have, I have not fully experienced the communities they grew up in and I have not lived in their reality. I just imagined that perseverance in love would look a little different. It should benefit both spouses and be a consistent journey of two people repenting and being held accountable to loving each other well; not a cycle of abusive events where one spouse feels no need to partake in the work or left to not account and be comfortable with not practicing repentance. That does not resemble love for me…. or perhaps it does, I am now thinking of the story of Hosea and how hard it was to wrap my head around. Let’s just say I am not ready to agree with God on that one, so from my side, if that is what love demands, I am not there yet and my perspective is from the place I am currently at.

What I have come to believe is that our love only grows as far as we decide. Our promise only lasts for as long as we allow it to, but every action we choose to take or not take in love is a decision. Sometimes when marriages end, promises break and commitments stop being honored, it is because we decide to stop, it does not just “happen” to us. Yes, you can be the spouse that is walked out on and it won’t be your choice to not be married anymore, but although you did not make the choice, one was still taken for the marriage to end. This way of thinking has given me some comfort in knowing that I control a portion of what happens to the love I hold. I want to encourage us to try and endure when storms do arise, to put in the work and to hold onto the faith that it won’t last forever. We sometimes forget that it’s okay for our love to be tested, to be refined and for us to learn to stand through the seasons that come to build stronger foundations. It’s not that the marriage is destined to end when tough seasons come, perhaps it is the winter necessary to make it stronger. That perspective will help many of us know how to fight well in such moments and allow it to benefit the marriage.

Remember to have the tough conversations, remember to be vulnerable, remember to create a safe space for your partner to be able to come and tell you the heaviest parts of being married to you. Remember to stay faithful through temptation, remember to have fun even when things are hard to face, remember to be kind, to apologise and to correct your wrongs. Remember to respect one other, to not be silent as a form of punishment. Remember to hold each other’s hands when it seems a conversation is spiraling out of control, a reminder that you are both still here. Remember to tell each other assuring words; “I am still here, I am committed, I love you, I love being here with you”.

When you feel like you are drowning and nothing but leaving will help, remember your ability to swim, a day at a time. Your love was worth it back then when you said “I do”, your love is still worth it now. So, if your marriage is currently being tested, remember to hope and endure, the sun will come again.

“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes in all things and endures all things.”

A New Era in the Maze

Photo by AllNikArt–65709

It has been an interesting time away from this platform, thank you to all of you who kept encouraging me to get back here because you found what I had to share about my life experiences valuable. I’m always taken aback when a stranger shares how impactful a post was, from as little as challenging them to think differently, to researching more on a life concept or to completely changing their stand on a matter because of something I shared. This is the main reason I started blogging, not because I have life figured out and hold the gospel, but simply to share with other humans; knowing that although life is a maze we are all trying to navigate through, there is a lot we can learn from each other. So thank you for being here and for making time and allowing this platform to be a part of your life journey.

I have also appreciated opposing views, which are refreshing because they trigger a deeper knowledge. I must be honest, that although I love engaging people, I don’t think we are necessarily responsible for convincing each other about whose truth is more superior, at least that’s not what I’m here for. I do think we have the responsibility to make things known to each other, to challenge each other respectfully and to allow each other the freedom to do what we want with whatever knowledge is made available to us. So when things come up here, take it upon yourself to find out more about them, those things burning in your heart and the ones your mind cannot rest from, those are worth chasing, allow them to exist and grow inside of you.

A short update on where my life currently stands; I still have two boys (I have managed to keep my womb in line because we know how much she loves creating life). Still married to one man (it was an interesting year of marriage, looking forward to sharing new lessons about walking out this particular gift). I have changed career paths, I left the creative arts industry and am now working for a chemicals company. My career has taken an interesting turn, I love how God indulges all my interests and I’m grateful for the opportunities He allows me to explore.

I now have one parent; I lost my dad and grief is also one process I will be sharing about soon, it has changed me in ways I did not expect, although it has offered a lot of pain, it has also been generous in transforming parts of me into beautiful spaces.

I have lost some friendships along the way, created new ones and mended some old ones.
I started dancing again (although Covid-19 did not allow me to enjoy that for too long) I’m glad that part of me is slowly coming back to life. I am still Christian, this one usually surprises me because I do not always agree with what my faith puts me through, but I have evaluated different paths and honestly, I still prefer being here, knowing that love is the foundation of this path, and even after the kicking and screaming, in retrospect, everything always falls into place. Even if some parts have cracks and pieces, they always fall back to a place that makes sense to my spirit. So we are still here, serving Jesus, questioning, crying, disagreeing, surrendering and growing in deeper love and understanding.
I also entered the 30’s and I’m looking forward to what they hold for me. I already made most of my permanent decisions in my 20’s, and although a lot of people advised against it, I think it has shaped my life in a way I appreciate, so looking forward to seeing how much more life will gift me with in my 30’s.

I will be posting on a monthly basis, perhaps more often if there is a burning issue I want to process in this space. I realized that some things need further introspection before they can be publicly shared, we sometimes rob ourselves of further enlightenment if we do not complete the process that is inside of us. I am not here for numbers, I am not trying to make any money from engagements I receive here (although I will not decline should there ever be an opportunity), I am simply here to walk out life with a broader community the internet gives me access to, and I am very excited to be back.

May we grow together, may the answers find us and may we be transformed to better versions of ourselves.

See you soon…

Don’t Overthink It.

Don’t overthink your gifts, just enjoy them.

So much energy is spent on figuring out what we need to do with our gifts, what purpose do I need to serve with these gifts and why me?

Although these questions are very important, I have come to believe that one thing that really matters is that we enjoy our gifts.

The last few months have made me realize how important happiness is, it literally keeps us alive, hoping and wanting to carry on with life. Our body is even designed to release happy hormones in order to assist this process, so happiness is not just a thing that happens by chance, it is what our souls and bodies need and something worth fighting for.

I am going to further explain my point by sharing a story about my mom. Our family recently lost my dad, after being married for 30+ years, it is natural for a spouse to lose their mind after losing the love of their live. My mom had such a hard time accepting my dad’s passing that she had to be admitted into hospital because of depression. She was constantly crying, heartbroken and feeling hopeless coupled with not eating or enjoying anything in life. The hospital told her she would need to complete a 3 week course that included intensive counseling, activities and basically things structured to help one get back on the life road.

A week passed and this was around Christmas time, her doctor asked if her family was coming to visit and if her grandkids in particular will be there (I assume she mentioned they are a big part of her joy in some session), with the answer being yes, the doctor decided to release her for that reason.

The kids and I spent Christmas and New Years at home with her, I had to come back to work so I decided to leave the kids. Within that week, her mood and condition had improved significantly. She went back to the hospital to complete her last two weeks and within a week of her return, they declared her fit to return back home. Having the grandkids had improved her condition and her body was making happy hormones again.

Our gifts play a similar role, over and above them possibly generating income for us, I believe their core purpose is to bring us joy, not only for ourselves but also to those around us.

I have stopped over thinking one particular gift of mine, I just indulge in it when I get an opportunity and I embrace all the happiness it brings in that moment. I’ve been good at overthinking this gift for years, after varsity I dropped everything to go pursue dance, I was passionate and on fire, but I soon realized that in a pool of really talented dancers, I was quite an underwhelming dancer. Not that my gift suddenly disappeared, but because it required years of putting in the work, training, building and becoming good enough to have people pay to come watch me. After all, that’s how dancers eat. So I had to have an honest conversation with myself, that although I loved dancing, it is certainly not my desire to have it as my bread and butter, some people do it brilliantly, but me? I felt it wasn’t something I wanted to fully invest myself in- I must admit, the state of the economy played a very big role in that decision, but also the nature of the work also made me think twice, the traveling, the hours- above all other things I wanted, I felt it would take so much from me and I made a choice to not pursue it in that way.

Years passed and I could feel a difference in me, not a good one I might add. I worked for a dance company and occasionally joined their morning classes, I also got to see them dance, perform and help with the admin, sometimes be involved in their creative process by offering opinions- so somehow that fed me for a while and it felt okay. However I still wasn’t dancing and felt like I needed to awaken that part of me.

I then discovered a class called Move at the gym and the instructor is quite a good dancer, this class takes place once a week but attending that 1hr class each week has made such a difference in helping me survive. It is in that moment that I realized how much we miss by overthinking simple things. Dance makes me happy, I might not be a professional dancer or amazing at it, but I do it because it feeds something in me, and taking that as it comes has become enough for me.

There are other things I love about life and they certainly make me happy, but there are specific things we all have that awaken a different thing in us, don’t over think those things, just get them done. Do them. Find an opportunity, a gap, something, and get them done. Our happiness matters, it is literally really important for our well being, it is worth all the trouble.

Don’t over think your gifts, just use and enjoy them!

Photo by Quangpraha

The Road to Recovery

We put my grandmother to rest this last weekend. My heart is still heavy and that was unexpected. I expected that when this day came I would be okay you know; she lived a full life, she served her God and most importantly she showed me her unconditional love, so I expected to just let go and have peace with the fact that our journeys do end. That doesn’t seem to be the case, I am finding it hard to do so because I keep on thinking about how much I will miss her unconditional love. In this world filled with evil intentions, harsh hearts and brokenness, experiencing a love that purely loves you for the mere fact that you exist is rare.

There are many things I can say about my grandparents and parents, but the one thing that stands out is that I am loved. It’s a deep knowing in my heart, it’s what I feel/felt around them, it’s their actions that have never lied and their words that carry my heart. Thinking that I have lost one more person that made me feel that way really tore me apart. I am still trying to recover.

The day I received the news, I went home and carried on with my end of day routine; cooked, spent time with the kids, spent some time catching up on “The Queen” after I put them to bed and waited for hubby to get home. My heart was okay, I cried a few tears but I said a prayer of thanksgiving to God for having kept her to experience some of what I consider my favorite moments on earth; my graduation, my wedding day and having met and spent time with my kids. I felt a sense of gratitude that she shared these moments with me. The week progressed and all was still well with my soul.

I got to Qwa Qwa and got ready for the funeral, the morning of the funeral I got to her place and looked for my mom, I embraced her and said my hellos as I hadn’t seen her. She asked if I wanted to see my gran and we had our usual argument, one we have at all funerals were she insists I see the person and I always refuse because I like the last memory to be of them living, but I hadn’t seen my gran in a while so Mommy convinced me that she still looks the same and I should just go say goodbye. So she took my hand and we walked into the room, she laid there peacefully, looking like her usual self just with no life in her. I froze and just stared, all the gogo’s in the room felt a little uncomfortable by my reaction until Mommy nudged me and said I must tell her to Rest In Peace, I muttered those words and left the room. In that moment I met the reality that she is indeed gone, I broke down and pretty much cried myself through the service and eventually the day. I remembered how I would spend the whole day with her and most of our conversation would be made up of how proud she is of me. She would always choose the best chicken for me to take home and slaughter (lol ofcourse I didn’t do the actual slaughtering because Model C child), she didn’t have much and would always try offer me her pension money to show her appreciation. When she started living with my mom she would spend a lot of time with my kids and I could see how she lit up when I walked in with them, it’s those rare moments my heart will miss. To be loved and embraced and know you have a home in someone’s heart.

I don’t really know how to grieve, but I definitely need to learn, I was shocked to learn that all these years my gran had never been a sickly person, she literally started being sick the year my grandad (REMARKABLE MAN!) passed away, from that year we have been battling to keep her well till the day she left us. When my mom was talking about this at the funeral, it hit me that granny never fully recovered emotionally and physically from the loss of her husband, how deeply do you need to love someone for it to affect you that much? I promised myself that I would learn to grieve properly with her so in future I know how to deal with the death of a loved one. My beloved mom insisted on taking her grandkids so I can have some time to process my feelings without any distractions. I guess this blog post is my first step to grieving my beloved gran, I don’t know what’s still to come, but I’m prepared to embrace whatever it is and find healing and comfort.

God knows how grateful I am to have grown up in a family that makes me the centre of their lives, and perhaps that’s why I struggle to stay in environments that make me feel any less. I have known love, in my lifetime, I have known unconditional love from other humans, and I lost one of those humans. My heart is sore, but healing will come.

This is my road to recovery…

God thank you for the gift of life.

Picture from http://www.zocalopublicsquare.org

Introspect. Grow.

People are really scared of being called out for their nonsense. The culture of perfection has taught us to reject anything that calls out correction in us. It is really a hard pill to swallow when someone points out your flaws, but why is that? Why is it so hard if we all know that by virtue of being human, we have a pile of crap and if it doesn’t leave, we become toxic creatures and affect those around us?

The other day I was thinking of all the people who have left me because of different reasons; because I was not loving them right or I was stealing their joy or I was just not the person they wanted to be around. I used to hurt so much over this because most times I really felt like I was trying you know, but the more I have invested in getting to know myself, the more I have learned to become okay with this. People are well within their rights to leave you if you are offering them manure, my husband hates that humans work like this because he feels it perpetuates self-righteousness and he believes in unconditional love (cool oke I know) and I get that, but I also get that if we don’t take the responsibility to heal ourselves, we damage others and they need to find a way to protect themselves.

I respect those who have left me because they felt I was disrupting their peace, sometimes my pride gets in the way but I am intentionally learning to digest their reasons and use them to detox my crappy human and become a better person. Even though I know that in most cases I wasn’t the only problem, it has become important for me to fix my role in the part. This doesn’t necessarily mean I reconcile with people (really bad at reconciliation by the way, I avoid it like the plague, I’m not there yet- that’s a post for another day), but it means that I try use that information to build my current relationships for the better.

Before this blog post sounds like me playing victim, it was triggered by an experience I recently had with someone in their 40’s. An experience that opened my eyes that if we do not deal with our nonsense, it will follow us to the grave. It is always so urgent to introspect and take people’s notes in, yes not all comments will be true as people will be projecting their own issues, but I think sometimes it’s worth the admin to sift that out. Soon you will get to know if things are true, but most times we KNOW when something is a flaw in us.

We take offense way too quickly as humans (I get it’s hard not to), but we need to learn to move past it and let other humans grow us. If we are too proud to grow, we rob ourselves from experiencing better versions of ourselves, and we rob others from a purer experience of our love towards them.

So love people enough to say okay if they feel you are toxic, fight for them if you will, but with the promise to better yourself; I should also note that the latter is some hypocritical advice from me as I haven’t matured enough to have the will to fight for someone ready to leave me completely. I have however committed to fighting smaller battles by fighting for those who are still willing to stay, so that’s progress…I guess it feels like if someone has decided to leave, clearly your manure has drowned them to the point of no return, so it feels like I have failed and I hate failing, my pride just won’t let me fight further (like I said, still working on this one).

It does however comfort me to know that God is committed to helping me through this glitch; I always say that He knew that marriage is for me, especially the kind of man I am married to, it has been so generous in teaching me how love works. Marriage is always my first point of reference to measure how well I am doing at loving people. For example I know without a doubt that even though I have an issue with fighting for people, I WOULD definitely fight for my husband. I love him more than I love any human in this world, and that simply shows me that I am able to fight for other humans, so I’m working on that passion to trickle down to other parts of my heart until I become that kind of human to everyone in my life.

Let us be okay with growing up. Let us not be too proud, and let us recognize that this short life is worth the happiness we owe ourselves. Let us heal. Let us introspect. Let us grow.

(Julian Meagher: Watercolour Glazes)

A Wedding Invitation.

It has been an eventful year packed with seasons and revelations I haven’t been able to share on this platform. There are several posts sitting in my notes app and today particularly felt like a day I should post this one, well besides the feeling, I actually have time so here it goes;

A few months ago we moved into a new place (we have since moved to another one but that’s a long story), the great thing about the place is that some of my heart people lived on the same property. I spent a lot of time with Sangz, who got married earlier this year, and amongst the many conversations we have, her wedding day and all the work and stress that went into it was often a point of discussion. Of course I attended her wedding and had a blast, but her experience of the day got me thinking a lot about wedding days and what they actually mean to me, more so, what sending or receiveing a wedding invitation means.

I remember when we were counting our RSVP’s for our wedding, one particular couple that had played such a significant role in our courtship couldn’t make it, and I remember the lady saying to me (not in the exact words but anyway..) “I have come to realize that what matters more than the people at your wedding are those who stick around to walk your marriage through with you.” I didn’t quite understand what she meant, but over the years I have come to appreciate those who have walked the journey with us.

Recently, we had the honor of attending Mpho and Webster’s wedding and during their thank you speech, Webster said something that resonated with what my heart has been meditating on lately; he said “please don’t leave us”… that statement made a lot of sense to me as I thought about my community.

Reality is we are often so excited about getting a wedding invitation or quick to take offense when we do not receive one, but do we stop to think about what an invite actually means (or rather what I feel it should mean)? It is not merely to dress up and go eat great food; beyond being there to celebrate and witness people who love each other commit to doing so for a very long time, our attendance is more valuable when we are there to stand in agreement with their promise to each other and to support them in walking out their marriage. We ought to pray for them, to be there when they need us, to offer our hearts and resources when need be… Our attendance is more valuable when we are there to contribute to holding them accountable to the vows we witness on the day.

I realize what a blessing community is when I think of the people who have walked the journey with us, for those who have stayed through it all (and even those we met along the way). Those who will call to find out how we are, if they can take the kids for the afternoon as we pursue to keep the fire burning between us (the same fire they witnessed on the day), those who stick around to help us fuel it and those who call us out when we move away from our promise to each other, those for me are the most appreciated RSVP’s.

We shouldn’t just walk away from weddings with full stomachs and new pictures for our instagram feeds, we should ponder on the fact that there’s now a new marriage in our community and perhaps it is also on us to help build and keep it alive.  There are a lot of factors that contribute to struggling marriages, and in all honesty, a trusted community helps to keep the union healthy and thriving.

Although not everyone who is at the wedding will give something significant to the marriage, I would like to challenge us to have a less self-centred approach to attending weddings. That it wouldn’t just be about how weddings make us feel or how much fun we can have, but for it to rather mean something deeper and more valuable for those who chose to share the day with us.

May we be a generous people, not those who stand on the sidelines and watch from a distance, waiting to see if this will really work…may we share the burden with our loved ones to make it work.

I really am thankful to everyone who has been there on our journey. Sometimes you might think that you are just being nice, but you do not realize what impact your efforts have. No matter how little, even if it is just praying from a distance, your contribution is invaluable and appreciated beyond words.

And Then What?

All over my social media the homosexuality topic has been trending, a far sensitive issue to irresponsibly engage in, and yet anything and everything has been said to and about these humans.
For those who don’t know, I have a homosexual sibling whom I dearly love, having grown up seeing my brother navigate who he was and all the self destructive methods to help him cope has forced me to pause and think about this topic in a different manner. When things are close to home, our hearts are forced to approach differently. 
Together with that, I am in an industry filled with homosexuals and the human in them speaks, loves and relates to the human in me on a daily basis, because of this, I take everything said personally because those I love and respect are impacted by this.
My one problem with most people posting behind their screens and some even ignorantly commenting on the matter is how little regard, empathy or understanding they seem to have for those who go through being homosexual or for their loved ones who get to walk the journey with them. I’m scared that Christians particularly spend their time proving this particular sin and have very little understanding of their role in the situation. If things are personal to you, if you have attempted to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, your response is bound to change.
Can you imagine having to wake up every morning and made to feel like who you are is sinful and not accepted? To navigate identity issues on such a level, being told too often that your very creator disagrees with who you think you are? While we make it our mission to bombard the homosexual community with how wrong their way of life is, have we stopped to get to know them intimately? To understand their needs and struggles in this world where their sin is highlighted? Have we understood their human before we interrogate their sin?

Truth is if we took more time understanding their human, perhaps we would understand that it is our duty to labour and pray with them and on their behalf especially on days that this journey is really unbearable.
I had a heated discussion today with my husband where I was telling him that church tends to stop at the problem, “hey you, your lifestyle is wrong….full stop” okay great, now what? What are they supposed to do with their feelings? How many churches have self help books, 7 steps to get over homosexuality? How many churches offer teachings, conferences I don’t know… to help? Listen perhaps it’s because we have no freakin idea. We don’t know how to help! 

I know people who have followed step by step things that promise victory over this thing, people who have sat in connect groups, victory weekend and all these systems that are built to help us, and nothing. They still wake up and like the same sex, so letting people know how big their problem is without being able to help has obviously created a problem on its own, in fact more people leave the church because they feel it has failed them and with the love it promises, it has no space for them. Clearly this seems to be bigger than we think, more spiritual than we can comprehend.
It would be great if more of us would invest time in learning how to love people, our self-righteous, scripture quoting (it’s good to quote scripture by the way) technics have obviously failed humanity… And then what? Where do we go from there? Do we intercede on their behalf? Do we get to know them and understand their struggles in society and try to make their experience of being human better? Do we do anything at all besides stating how sinful they are? 
I am touched, I am touched because we sit in conversations and say such ignorant things without fully understanding a lifetime in their shoes. 
We have concluded all God’s feelings towards them and what’s worse is most of us don’t even know this God as well as we would like to, and yet we have the audacity to treat people like we are the chosen ones, those who can speak confidently on His behalf. 

This is far bigger than just offending, I get our conflict in having the responsibility as Christians to preach the truth but it is also our responsibility to make church an environment where people can be loved and know this God and His love, a love we are also learning to unpack on the daily (just FYI) it is our duty to preach truth yes, but if people don’t encounter this God what have we achieved?
Perhaps it’s time we admit that yes this Bible we believe in says this, about your sin, my sin and everyone else’s sin, and we are all in the same boat, and then freakin invest everything in us to learn to love each other and help each other figure it out.
There’s a way to love and preach truth and not make people feel sub-human (yes some people will take offense anyway but cumon, can we really say we are doing all it takes?!) that’s what we need to invest our time in. To get to know the heart of God and let that translate into how we love!
In this heated discussion I had with my husband, he reminded me of my unforgiving mentality towards adulterers, how in every discussion I cannot stand to defend that particular sin, I cannot bring myself to show any compassion to the adulterer, and it hit me in that moment that we pick and choose how to deal with sin, we are one big mess and man do we all need God.
Compassion is terribly underrated, because when you understand the other, your whole perspective changes. And perhaps with this specific issue, we ought to do what we can, love each other and leave the rest to God because seriously, we don’t know and we must stop forcing issues and pretending like we do. We actually don’t know. 
I write with such a heavy heart because I cannot even begin to understand the world in a homosexual person’s shoes, constantly fighting, I get why their fight would stop, why they would opt to stop fighting. And we don’t do enough to help the process. If we could first see the human in each other, see the same boat we are in and navigate life issues accordingly, maybe just maybe there’s still hope for us.
This morning I found this song, it accurately describes how I feel
For The One by Jenn Johnson and Brian Johnson
[Verse 1]

Let me be filled

With Kindness, and compassion for the One

The One in whom You love and gave Your Son

For humanity … increase my love
[Chorus]

Help me to love with open arms, like You do

A love that erases all the lines and sees the truth

So that when they look in my eyes, they would see You

Even in just a smile … they would feel the Father’s love
[Verse 2]

Oh, how He loves us

From the homeless, to the famous and in between

You formed us, You made us carefully

‘Cause in the end … we are all Your children
[Chorus]

So help me to love with open arms, like You do

A love that erases all the lines and sees the truth

So that when they look in my eyes, they would see You

Even in just a smile … they would feel the Father’s love
[Bridge]

Let all my life, tell of who You are

And the wonder of Your never-ending love

Let all my life, tell of who You are

You’re wonderful and such a good Father
Let all my life, tell of who You are

And the wonder of, Your never-ending love

And all my life, tell of who You are

You’re wonderful and such a good Father
[Chorus]

Help me to love with open arms, like You do

A love that erases all the lines and sees the truth

Oh that when they look in my eyes, they would see You

Even in just a smile … they would feel the Father’s love