This is a long post, sit if you must.
I have been meaning to blog about my friendship with Mpho for the last week ( a special dedication to the new bride), I really thought it would be easy since I love her so much, but every time I try brainstorm the angle I want to take for this post, I end up crying, too emotional to continue. So I thought I would wait for after the wedding and just post the speech I was asked to deliver on her special day- which also took some guts writing, but I decided against that idea, so now I am in bed having to face my feelings and get through this post.
The thing about Mphokie and I’s friendship is that it’s something I cannot describe, I do not even think a perfect English vocabulary would nail it, it’s too overwhelming, it’s too scary, it’s pretty much like standing face to face with the reality that you’re able to love another human being so much, and unlike in a marriage, there is no set commitment in front of witnesses, friendships seem to end and well, this is me we’re talking about, I have the worst record with friendships and that is why this is like a horror movie to me, my heart is unguarded and that is not a joke.
I have loved people before, most I still love although the relation has completely changed, in fact it’s one thing I know about myself, the reason I keep my close friends at a limited number is because I don’t know how to love at a minimal level, so I love with everything in me and therefore the risk of a horrible heartbreak is slightly increased.
This comes close to explaining the pattern in my life, at every 4-5 years mark, my friendship list is refreshed and I get to love a whole new group of people:
I had two best friends in primary school, we moved to high school and distance took our friendship with. I then met amazing friends in high school, for the 5 years we were inseparable, I loved them completely, and till today, I still care so much about them- this can’t be too hard to understand, one doesn’t just get to love that much and be able to just walk away, well not with me anyway.
The natural pathway was to move to varsity, where I was blessed with really amazing friends who walked out life with me daily. Through their friendship, I came very close to learning what this love word actually meant, in fact the reason my relationship with Mpho is such a scary feeling is because this love I have for her, although not identical, is such a familiar feeling.
You’re probably wondering what happened to these friendships, well life hit the 5 years mark and unlike my other situations were physical distance and time defeated us, I actually made decisions to alter these relationships. It was not an instant “wake up in the morning and decide” case (nor did it have anything to do with the 5 years really), it was a series of events that I had perhaps been ignoring for months, until I got to a place where I realised that my heart had created the distance between us, my heart had been building walls, pathways etc for months and I only realised this when it was almost too late for me to re-do the work. What scared me the most about this, is that even after the realisation of what had happened, the hurt and agony was too paralysing that I had no courage to break down these walls and allow complete reconciliation , I couldn’t be sure that even if I did, the very reasons that got my heart to build wouldn’t be there, what if the reasons remained? This possibility had me staying on this side of the walls, creating a content space to be here.
I cried for many nights, I spoke through many conversations, I cried for many more nights and even this grieve wouldn’t let me break down the walls and get back to the other side, I had decided that I was too hurt, it was not even about them, it was not even their fault that the walls existed (although I desperately wanted to believe this), but it was all me, my own issues, my own rejection issues that got me staying on the other side and I was okay with being here.
I have been called many things for that decision, the decision to not command the walls to collapse, I have been called selfish, a coward, heart breaker and all these unpleasant names, but even after that, my heart wouldn’t allow me to get back completely, it just created a few gaps in the walls that allows me to still care, to still pray for them, to still want them to be happy, to still want everything good for them and to still genuinely know in my heart that I love them, without having to completely merge our lives, like I said in the beginning, I fail with minimal friendships, but I think this situation has helped me know a certain level of loving till a certain point- through the gaps of a broken heart.
Mpho and I’s friendship started at this point, when I was at my lowest, when I had no faith in myself, thinking I could never have another friendship with someone else. When I realised that I was able to walk away and hurt those I cared about, when I decided that I was the worst kind of friend in the universe, and everyone should do themselves a favour and not attempt to build with me, because I can already tell our future in the next 5 years.
Our boyfriends, now husbands, introduced us, I remember meeting her for the first time with her blonde hair and thinking, she looks too cool anyway, I hated the fact that I enjoyed her company so much, I hated the fact that she was funny and incredibly fun, I hated the fact that I could possibly fall in love with her, another disastrous friendship story was on its way. So I quickly snapped out of it and decided I am bad at friendships and that’s just it, I should quit building with people. This story would have been successful if we didn’t keep bumping into each other so often, our boyfriends insisted on double dates way too often, and every time this happened, I would make the effort to try enjoy her less, for the sake of her heart and mine. I could have also succeeded with this if it wasn’t for her asking me to be her accountability partner, I couldn’t deny it, it made sense, our men were already such great friends and accountability partners, I would’ve been silly to deny that because I knew it would be good for both our relationships, and man do I care about my relationship.
It was about to get messy, we would now get to know each other, we would now meet each other outside the boys, we would now become *dramatic pause* FRIENDS! That was a no go area, we would possibly enter that territory and I was so scared because with the encounters I had with her, it was getting harder and harder to not grow fond of her, what a mess! Well as predicted the relationship developed, I remember breaking down to Torchy (my husband) and telling him how much I’m scared of what’s unfolding, I am going to mess this one up, I just know it, it feels too good, I will never get it right.
A few weeks from that breakdown Mpho and I had our friendship talk, we realised that we were actually on the same page, she was feeling fragile about a friendship that just ended, and I was feeling fragile because I saw myself as nothing but a failure in this area. It was like a romantic movie script, “I like what we have but I just got out of something so we’re going to have to take things slow, I’m scared and I have walls around my heart…”, you know how the rest of that conversation goes.
We now had a point to start, we didn’t have many expectations in the beginning but we needed each other, months passed and we got closer, I fell deeper in love and then we decided to define our friendship, for our own sanity. We were officially friends, I could expect anything, give anything and be anything.
What makes this a special bond for me is the fact that she taught me how to be a confident friend again, she taught me that although my heart can be in shambles, with the right person I am able to build it up again. She redeemed my ability to build with others, I now have more friends whom I dearly love because my friendship with Mpho took my undone heart from scratch and helped it discover its ability to care for others again, to forgive myself for the times I get it wrong and to continue to build with those that are willing to accept what it is I have to offer.
I love the fact that she takes anything I have to offer, however broken, imperfect and obscured, she takes it and loves me the same for it. I love the fact that her actions prove her love for me everyday, I love the fact that there isn’t any pressure to be something else with her, no matter how sinful my speech is, she takes me in, every part of me. I love the fact that I sometimes cry because of the gift her friendship is, that I get jealous of her other great bonds with others, that I can stalk her and feel okay, that I can leave my heart in her hands and carry on with life. I love the fact that she’s taught me how to have unique friendships with everyone else, I love and relate to my next friend at the level we’re at and feel completely fine with that. I love the fact that I’m still scared of that 5 year mark pattern, that I think of her leaving and my heart breaks immediately. I love the fact that I feel like a priority to her, every time. I love the fact that I love her, with no doubt, I love her. I just love her.
And that is my friendship with Mpho *insert that name I heard for the first time yesterday- lol* Legora. My bunny beebles. *bum squeezy*
_end of special dedication_