My husband and I recently had our traditional wedding (2 years later I know, black folks don’t forget fam), anyway I was overwhelmed by all the things that frustrate me about our culture (black people that is). I truly expected the day to be a reminder of our love and commitment to each other, but instead it turned out to be a mess of emotions and wondering what on earth I got myself into, I should have just dated this man into infinity (but it just wouldn’t be the same Naz, and SEX you say …yes very good point) but don’t get distracted I have my reasons.
Leading up to the wedding, I spent two months in the Free State with my amazing mother, and I guess traditionally, for her, this occasion was the actual wedding, where she “officially gives me away to my in laws” so she felt it was her duty to thoroughly prepare me. I had weekly tutorials on how to make steamed bread from scratch, how to cook “motoho”, how to make a fire outside and all those things young girls grew up doing, except I was in boarding school so I never got to be trained. You could see how worried she was, because we had little time and now my in laws are going to think I wasn’t raised well…*falls asleep for a second because cuuuuuuuuuuummmmmm’on!!!* .Anyway, so week after week she would instruct me, demonstrate and I would then get on with it. This part of my preparation was a great way to bond, to make up for lost time (mother wounds, don’t even ask) as she never got the chance to fully digest the fact that her only daughter and last born is now a mother and wife. So the first few weeks were great, until she decided to get into the real life issues about marriage, with this came her sharing all the stories she hid from me as a child, but not only that, every elder that came to visit, she would ask them to give me advice and share their experiences. Needless to say, my mood was dampened by the information overload of BAD news, abuse and all the dysfunctional behavior that goes on in marriages that the black woman needs to endure. These elders were acting out of love, preparing me, but man it just depressed me.
Naturally I went to God because seriously, this cannot be right. I noticed that one of the main trends that created unhappy marriages was the culture of being a makoti. The top three trends were money, infidelity and the overlooked one, IN LAWS. I stand to be corrected but black culture says when you get married, the woman leaves her home and joins the man’s family and adhere to whatever rules and regulations the family has (whether you agree or not is something else) . The man does not actually leave; the woman’s new home is now the man’s home, together with the children and the elders from that family can basically make decisions for you, even when it comes to your kids, because they belong to them (these are of course the worst case scenarios).
However, scripture says, Matt 19:5 ; Genesis 2:24 (feel free to google the rest..) “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” There is a clear instruction for a man to leave his home; I personally believe that things that are specifically stated in the Bible are stated with reason. The consequences of ignoring them could be detrimental to humanity. Just looking at the three things I have stated, in the context of marriage, we are warned about the love of money, we are warned about adultery and there has to be a specific reason leaving was stated, because listening to all these stories, I realized that God was trying to protect us from harm, and going against that has obviously had consequences.
I cannot even comprehend some of the things I was told to endure, because it’s just the way marriage is. How has the devil managed to make us feel so helpless, to make us feel like we cannot change abusive aspects of a system we as humans created? I do not believe the system created in our cultures is holistically wrong, but there are flawed patterns in it we need to fix. Older women cannot fully understand the wrong parts of the system and choose to pass that on to younger generations, we cannot perpetuate the culture of creating more bitter black women. I appreciate the older women who have taken the efforts to fix this, because not all stories are bad from some younger wives around me and I acknowledge that.
This post is not even about my in-laws, this post is about the hope that marriages can really be what they were meant to be. Most of our parents have gone through unpleasant experiences that could have been avoided, experiences that have stolen their joy and caused them to believe that marriages are burdensome. A mother is meant to also experience overwhelming joy when her daughter gets married, knowing and being secure that marriage will add value to her life, not to worry about the nightmare that awaits her.
My belief is that marriages and families were created to contribute abundantly to humanity, to make life more enjoyable and to help create and nurture better human beings with admirable characters. I need a whole different post about why I believe in marriages and families, but I believe marriages are valuable to society. Families coming together shouldn’t be burdensome, it should create unity and reinforce the ability for humans to love each other deeply, and this we need to fight for, one issue at a time.
May we do better, fight these battles for our daughters, both men and women, may we do better in loving each other. If a system causes pain, it is our duty to discontinue whatever doesn’t work about it, and keep what does work. Finally, men leave, leave and cleave to your wife, not abandon your family, but lead in love and create a system you want your daughters to flourish in. Be brave.