Since I published the post “The End” four months ago, I have been to several interviews, I have answered the question “how’s the job hunting?” daily from different people and I have spent hours on end searching for employment. I have experienced frustration, peace, pain, joy and overwhelming contentment all at the same time. Four months down the line and most of my questions finally have answers. Today’s experience is peace, in fact this whole week has been filled with peace and contentment, so it felt like the right time to share what this part of my life has showed me.
My job search has been fuelled by several reasons, one because it is highly uncomfortable to have no control over financial provision, two because I had a year plan that was disturbed by unforeseen circumstances and three because I needed to invest myself in something to feel like I have a purpose or that I am something. I was able to get over point one and two in the first 7 weeks, but point three has been an ongoing battle.
Here’s the deal, every year (from a very young age) I immerse myself into something and for that year, that becomes who I am. I am good at sports, in a group of people I am usually above average when it comes to sports, just under the really great ones, but definitely better than most people. I picked this up from playing with boys growing up and having over achieving sportsmen as siblings, so I decided to embrace it. However I think I got addicted to achievement and allowed it to start defining me. I remember my parents would make a big deal of my prize giving ceremonies in primary school, I loved that, this is where the seed began to grow, achievement became addictive. In high school, there was a broader range of really great people, so I sometimes fell just above average or hit the average mark, I then decided to find a smaller group where I can pick something and thrive in it. I had two best friends from grade eight, both really pretty, weave, shave your legs, Cosmo magazine reading girls (but also really smart), and although I learned so much from them, I was nothing close to how they presented themselves. The one thing they didn’t enjoy though is sports, so I decided to make that my thing, if I was not going to be known for flowy straight hair and fashionable clothes, at least I must be known for sports, in my small circle anyway.
Every year I would immerse myself in sports, set goals for myself and make that my identity for the year. As I started getting to know myself more, I started getting into other things too, but every year was dedicated to something, because every year I needed to know myself as something. I finished matric on a high note and a great speech at the board medal ceremony and off to university I went (what a privilege). I then got to university and quickly looked for my annual activity. I played basketball for the first two years and in the second year I was playing for the 1st team, this was my thing, I wasn’t getting great marks but I could at least pull out my first team kit to be relevant. I then got into dancing and then one of my best experiences- serving as the Sports HC in my residence. So every year I set goals for myself to achieve something, and it’s who I’d become for the year.
After I completed my degree, I decided to apply to a dance school, and for that year, my life was consumed by dance, my identity was, “I’m a dancer”. My journal, status updates and even relationship with God started being about dance. I immersed myself into it and most things took a back seat. I then graduated from dance school and I found myself trying to find out what my identity will be in the next year. So I peeped in my “pocket of skills” bag and picked accounting, but since it wasn’t unique enough, and because mainly I wanted to do it for a salary, as my biggest desire at that point was to get married and have my parents join the boat, I also picked ballet as my thing for the year- accounting was too common in my circle to become an exceptional identity, so ballet would become my annual achievement. However, unlike other years, this plan totally back fired, I have not been able to attend a single ballet class and my job in accounting ended. Both situations out of my control.
Here’s what I realised; all these “annual achievements” were things I loved, things I am proud of, things I believe God made possible because He knew I’d enjoy them, but things I also attached my identity to every year. It took me so long to realise that this has been contaminating what I think about myself. For me to think of myself as enough, I need to immerse myself into something great and therefore attach my worth to it. I see it happening all around with my peers, our careers, our materials, sometimes even our spouses are attached to our worth- how we value our relevance. If most of us lost our jobs, desires or materials, we would struggle to find who we are outside of those things. We would be nothing, not so amazing after all.
These four months have forced me to meet who I am outside of what I have or what I can do. I remember thinking that at least my homemaker desire is coming sooner than I thought, I had expected to immerse myself in that next year, but God showed me how I was falling into the same pattern. My desires, dreams and achievements are not who I am, they are mainly added things to make my life more enjoyable by glorifying my God. My real identity is to be a child of God, and not the things a child of God has or can do. I’m starting to learn how to look at people who are tellers at shops or cleaners or any of those things we consider “low”, differently, because like a CEO, they are also children of God before they are what they do or what they have. People are God’s image first, before they are anything else. We are all God’s image first and deserve the same love, respect and consideration.
My husband is an amazing person with or without a fancy job title, a fancy car or any of those things most women identify a man’s worth with, my friends are nothing short of blessings with or without their cool clothes, brains, families or materials, that stranger on the street is more than what they have or lack. I am learning to see the person created before I see what they are or have- the image of their creator, this is not a fun activity. To treat both under-privileged and privileged with the same attitude- man it’s hard to unlearn!! Most of us need God to strip away our facades and things before we meet ourselves and therefore able to really meet other people. That thought scares a lot of people- this shows how much we’ve come to believe that we need a lot to be enough, we need so much, so many THINGS attached to us!
I know I am going to do amazing things, I know God is going to provide beyond my expectations, together with that, I also thought my identity would be wife, mother and homemaker, although these are precious to me and they matter more than I can imagine, God has shown me that those things are added things, there is much more to who I am as a daughter, the image of an unbelievable God, but before I succeed in all these amazing things to be ADDED, He will patiently teach me how to be enough with myself, my bare self, without anything to label me, so those things don’t become my identity.
May we all learn to know people for who they are, not what they have. May we all learn to know ourselves for who we are, not what we have achieved, want to achieve or what we’ve accumulated. May we not settle for the irrelevant identities to feel relevant. May we love ourselves so we can love others better. May God take away anything that steals that from us. May we enjoy who we were created to be, not what the media and advertising has informed us to be. May we live lives, enjoy the added things but never become the added things. May we stop labouring to be ourselves, may we allow God to introduce us to ourselves.