I spent a good part of my morning speaking about some of the things I had hidden in my heart about motherhood. The conversation started yesterday when I told the ladies about my gynae visit; the discovery that I have one of those special wombs and my eggs are situated in such a way that would make it very hard for me to fall pregnant. “People of your kind struggle to have kids” said the gynae, you can imagine the perplexed look on my face when I told the gynae that I have fallen pregnant three times in two years, no struggles what so ever. In fact every time I have sex ( when I’m not pregnant) I am 98% sure that my body is making a baby!
See when you look at my social media feed, it accurately represents my good moments as a mommy, some challenges maybe, but the deep things are hidden in my heart. Hearing the gynae tell me this yesterday brought a sense of comfort to me and here is why;
Before I got married, I had absolutely no peace with contraception, the whole concept didn’t make sense to me, after seeking for months on end, I felt strongly convicted that this path was not for me, at least at the time, I read up throughly on Christian views, prayed and found my own truth on the matter for where I was, of course I was super nervous because I was not ready to have a baby, my husband was unemployed, I had a start-up salary and everything we all hope to have when baby comes was no where to be seen, but I trusted my gut, I trusted God and so I took the plunge. In I went with no contraception, taaaah daaaah, honeymoon pregnancy. I had mixed feelings but God obviously had a plan right? At around 8weeks we lost our little one. I was devastated, but I still stuck to my guns, contraception still didn’t feel right, so a few months down the line we were pregnant with our first born. I kept my cool (I think) I then figured great, God is going to provide jobs and all the things I think we need since I prayed about this for nights on end. Months down the line no job, no income; but rent, groceries and some luxuries were covered for every month… for an entire year. Friends even gave us a car. Long story short we were provided for and I could clearly see God’s hand.
Challenge after challenge came our way and we had to get through. After I thought the storm was finally over, when it seemed like things will get better financially, we found out that we were having another baby, at the least expected time, in fact at our brokest point. This time not only did I feel we were not financially ready, but I wasn’t emotionally ready too, Vukosi hadn’t even turned one… I have since walked around feeling like an irresponsible human being for having brought kids into this world without having it “together” yet. Although our kids have never lacked, I have always wondered if I heard God wrong, if sex equals babies and God has no hand in it, so after hearing the gynae’s comment, I walked out feeling a little more certain (not entirely) but a little more certain that God decides these things, at least for me because it’s something I specifically needed clarity on.
Although I have gone back to God about my views on contraception, and I will keep going back for every season, I still feel at the time our first born came, I believed and acted on what I felt God was saying, and the picture and plans weren’t Naz perfect, but I saw God. I don’t know what the future holds for each baby, but it’s a conversation I’ll keep having with God at every step, right now I definitely feel like I need to pray and find a contraceptive that will work for me, because this last pregnancy, for those who know my story, I literally almost died, lying in ICU for that week, I decided my body needs rest from pregnancy and of course because raising kids is actually hard work! This I am at peace with and I feel God has given my spirit the thumbs up.
So after spending my morning telling the ladies all that was in my heart and having them listen and encourage me, I thought about the article I read about people showing only the good parts of their lives on social media, and I think sometimes it’s necessary to celebrate those parts publicly, sometimes it’s necessary to hide the deep parts from the public, it is not a safe space. I know I do that a lot with sensitive matters, I expose them in safe places with friends that know the full picture and will speak life into the wounds, I don’t want to be vulnerable and put it out there for someone who doesn’t know the big picture to give a comment that will mess me up.
However, today I am here to confess to moms and those who maybe look at me and feel I have motherhood all figured out, listen do not believe the hype, I am literally winging it. But trust God, with all feelings, the guilt, the joy, everything, even the feeling of being left behind- make a decision and run with it, because He catches us anyway. He really does, so this is a reminder to us feeling the pinch in some way; He catches us anyway, and everyone else can go to sleep with their opinions. Live, feel and make it count. He catches us anyway, even when we doubt.