It’s been a hard week. The hard thing about being me is my ability to analyse everything and then feel every emotion that comes with each part of that process. I remember growing up, my parents used to call me “sellallane” meaning “cry baby” in my language, because most experiences made me cry; joyful ones, confusing ones, hurtful ones and even those filled with anger used to somehow end up making me cry. I managed to tame the cry baby in me over the years, but I think that part of who I am is creeping up on me again, it might be the pregnancy hormones, but whatever it is I’m going to roll with it for now, because my sanity depends on it.
This week I cried because of the confusion and the pain of having to trust something I felt a sense of betrayal from. I cried because of the battle between my head and my heart and that is the worst battle that one can get caught up in, the one believes and the other tries to reason why you shouldn’t, as you can imagine, before the two reach common ground a lot of work has to go into that war, but it’s the end of the week and I think I managed *passes out*.
My hubby and I have been attending church at His People Rosebank as we wait for the campus ministries to start again, so this Sunday during worship, the Holy Spirit said to me “there is no fault in who God is, there is no flaw in His ways”, I couldn’t understand why I had to hear that but a few seconds later an announcement was made about a couple in our church that was murdered. My heart sank in sadness and my mind trembled in terror, I then thought about what the Holy Spirit just told me and I managed to make it through the service in one piece.
While driving home, I told my husband about everything I felt about the situation and we shared our thoughts and feelings about it. I told him that in a fallen world like this one, I do expect bad things to happen to Christians, like getting mugged, having people break into houses and stealing your possessions etc. but my consolation after such incidences is that God protects our lives- except in this situation, two lives were lost and that was a very awkward moment between God and I. The fact that I already struggle with fear did not help me, I usually say a prayer before I walk the streets alone and find comfort in the fact that God protects my life, and that belief was a bit shaken up by this reality, I guess because it’s so close to home- so I decided to sit quietly and have this awkward conversation with God.
I was not necessarily looking for reasons to explain why this particular situation happened, I was looking for reassurance that He is still here and He sees and He cares. I was looking for Him to tell me why He didn’t do something to save those lives. I think death does that, it brings out the “why’s” in you, although we all know death is part of life, that it happens, it never feels right unless it’s an old person who has lived life and they die because their body can’t operate properly anymore, any other way just feels out of place. I had also heard of an old friend’s family death that same week and this was a little too much for my heart. It’s that sudden realisation that none of us know how life will end. Whether it will be brutal or peaceful, none of us know- well I’ve met some people who say God has told them how they’ll die, but most of us really don’t know.
I sat still and waited for God’s reassurance, I’ve been here before, normally a sense of peace would come over me and I’d just let myself simmer in it, but this time it came with words that forced me into a road of maturity, I think God realised a pattern or rather brought it to my attention-
a. I get shaken up.
b. I question.
c. I come drink from Him.
d. I walk away.
e. Repeat steps a-d.
I kept hearing that line I heard in worship on Sunday “there is no fault in who God is, there is no flaw in His ways”, I meditated on this for a while and then I had a few scriptures come to mind. God reminded me of a time I was in university, my dad is diabetic and I always feared he would just die, then I would fear what would happen if my mom died first, this thought would haunt me in my sleep and I remember one night I text Neo Mahome telling him how scared I was and He sent me this scripture:
1 John 4:18 “Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.”
That scripture got me through that fear filled season, I meditated on it until I was not scared anymore, till I broke through those tormenting thoughts. I went back to that moment I received that text and I remembered how peaceful I slept that night, how reassured I was and how much I CHOSE to believe God. The principle of choice then took me to one story my husband always brings up when He tells me about the importance of choosing to believe God’s word. The story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, these three were threatened and faced by death, they were told they’d be burnt if they didn’t bow down to a statue, and their response was powerful :
Daniel 3:16-18 ““O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you. 17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty.
18 But even if he doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up.”
Verse 18 always challenges me, that in their minds there was a possibility that God might not rescue them, but that was okay, they were still willing to trust Him.
Even if circumstances don’t go our way, we have the grace to keep trusting God. Even if Christians are brutally killed, even if they face the worst situations, we have the choice to still trust God. I still get scared for our lives, even though I know I’m going to heaven, I still get scared of HOW it will happen, I still get scared of losing my husband, my friends, my family, death still scares me, it shouldn’t but it does. But for as long as I am able to choose, even without all the answers, I need to choose God. Either way, choosing fear is still choosing something I’m not sure about, so rather I choose peace, rather I choose God, I’m not always sure of how life will play out, but I need to keep choosing Him. Some moments in life will make me experience the peak of my happiness, some the peak of my pain, but life must be lived, and living for me feels right if I choose God, because in Him there is freedom- and that is enough. My sanity lies in my trust in God, and right now my sanity is enough.
“Death be not proud”. God is still God, and forever He will be.