A lot has happened since my last post, before I go on about all the new things I am experiencing I must acknowledge and show my gratitude to those who responded with the utmost empathy after my last post. I received text messages either sharing their experiences with me with that “you are not alone tone” or encouragement from those who had perhaps been there before or those who simply care. I am always amazed at how much people care, to even spend time reading these few words I sometimes take time to put together. The power of human relation is truly indescribable and I am beginning to have a much deeper appreciation for it. This will most probably be a very preachy post, but indulge if you are willing.
God and I, well mostly me, I have decided to start from scratch, I think I realized that there was evidently a gap in my understanding of who God is and I think I needed to forgo all these deep things I thought I knew about God and first remember why I chose Him in the first place. So then the conversation obviously needed to be honest, as honest as I could let myself be- it went something like “ Hi God, so I must admit, I fell in love with you because of all the things you promised, well the things people taught me that you promise, and when those things were lost or threatened, I had no idea how to handle that betrayal, so here we are, I don’t know how to move forward because I still want the promises and it’s awkward now.” I then said a little prayer, probably shed a tear or two because it was quite painful to admit and then I continued with my life, probably grabbed my phone for Facebook or changed a nappy, I don’t remember, but I had said what I needed to say and that’s all I could handle for the day. Great.
Days passed and I kept repeating the same thing in my mind, desperately waiting to hear my spirit give me answers or hoping that in the process life will get a little less burdensome, until one morning in the shower ( I always get my deepest revelations in the shower, am I the only one? Weirdo, that’s okay) I felt this sense of peace and rest over me (How spiritual right? Yea I know don’t hate), I felt my spirit say “It’s okay, I know, I knew and I will always know” (what a romantic poet this God guy huh?). It hit me that these conversations are not to let God know about how I am, it is more to understand where I am and go through the process of perfecting genuine love- to be genuine in my love. God values Himself, all these posts from us humans telling each other to value ourselves, they are a response to who we truly are in the image we were created in, God values Himself, God created us in His image and we are then born to value ourselves, we can’t run away from it. God valuing Himself means He knows exactly what it is he deserves, He knows the kind of love that He deserves and together with that, God knows how the people He created ARE and fully understands how we ought to be and He dedicates Himself to making us more and more our true selves (definitely painting a more favorable picture of Him in this post neh? I doubt He’s even fazed by that though.J).
So in my context, just to ditch the christenese for a second, God says, “hello human, I love you, I want you, I would like you to want me too, so let’s work on this”, human wants love (and all the things that come with love), whatever view we have of love, it doesn’t matter we want it, so we say, “yes let us”. At this point God knows exactly why our answer is yes, be it money, car, success, or for some of us trying to stay out of hell because that alter call said I don’t know what might happen when I leave church, so just to be on the safe side, you say yes, it doesn’t matter, whatever the reason, it doesn’t matter, He knows and He is more than happy to be given a chance because He understands our flaws. Time passes and depending on how much we are willing, we keep exploring this relationship more and more, often things are always so easy and honey moony in the beginning (for most of us) and then we get to a point where God starts taking us on deeper levels, every level has its own story, lesson, value etc. but all in effort of helping us understand the true meaning of genuine love, by love Himself. Some levels will be easier than others, most we will survive. There will then come a time where God will take us to a level that addresses the reason we are here, the actual reason, because He knows His worth, who He is, there will come a time He demands the love that He actually deserves (Cues Donald), a time this love we claim to have will be tested, because in the midst of us being in relation, God wants to be chosen, He wants to be chosen and purely so, and because of our imperfect selves, our choice will be demanded. I feel God is not threatened by our mediocre or shallow approach to love, He is not even fazed because He knows that it is His duty to grow us out of that, whatever it takes (dum dum dum), now that is the part I don’t like, “whatever it takes”. Whatever reason brings and keeps you here, it will be tested, and God will lovingly teach us this over and over again. Nothing matters more to God than us experiencing the fullness of life, the fullness of love and becoming who He intended us to be, because that is the ultimate joy, nothing supersedes that. Joy is our human right, how it is taught might not be our most favorite exercise, but it is our human God given right to experience joy in its fullness. I feel God says we need to all calm down and understand who is in control, our responsibility in this union is to be willing, under whatever circumstance, our only job or responsibility is to be willing and to respond, and He will handle the rest. He will get us to a place where we one day wake up and love Him for the right reason, a place where we understand, and no matter how long it takes to get us there, it will be worth it.
So be it you go through a test and decide that this is where you draw the line and you want out, I feel it breaks God’s heart yes, but more than that I feel God would much rather have us be genuine in our love for Him than for us to stick around and fake the funk. I do feel that even if we do walk away, He will not give up in His pursuit of us, of our hearts, but before we willingly respond to Him, He cannot force it, simply because choice is also our God given human right- the choice to say yes or no to Him. While we are here panicking about how impure our love for God or others is, He is more concerned with wanting to love us into perfection. So there is where I am, I am really scared of what I might have to go through to get to the place I should, but I at least know that it’s for the good, even if sometimes it is self-inflicted because of sin, it doesn’t matter because He is above that, and my only responsibility is to be willing and to respond. And I pray for the grace to keep fighting for us, even in hurt and disappointment, may I let God keep me here. I am still learning what Him loving me looks like, that is currently my hardest challenge, but I am willing to trust that He will reveal and I will see and respond. God our Father, a man who knows we need Him, and there is no shame in that. We were created to need Him, even if it’s just for that car, even if we rob ourselves for such mediocre things, He still cares enough to teach us the right way. We have one job, to be willing and to respond, and even that, He gets to walk us through the HOW.
(www.kingdomhorizon.com)