This is a really premature post considering I have only been married for seven months, but I think it could help a few newbies like me out there.
I usually post about things I’ve been thinking or conversing about during the week, but this post literally came to me this morning. I was busy loading the washing machine with laundry that has been chilling in our basket for months now. On a normal day, this would have made me feel like I am such a bad wife for having let laundry chill for that long, what do I expect my poor husband to wear right? On top of that, I thought about when last I turned my house upside down and cleaned it, not just the day to day tidying up, honestly I couldn’t remember, and I just shrugged and thought to myself “life is long, I’m sure I’ll get to it..”
I felt like giving myself a high five for that response, it simply means I’ve stopped putting pressure on myself to be this super woman, never failing wife. Even with the things some wives consider basic, perhaps they aren’t so basic to me, and you know what, I’m okay with that.
Before I got married, I had a list of things I thought I’ll always have to do as a wife, some I desired and some I was told I needed to do, I was still working then, so after 12 hours away from home, I’d come back so exhausted, barely able to put a meal together, and at times when I really couldn’t do anything, I would sob to my husband and ask him to forgive me for being such a terrible wife. Most times he would look at me with this confused expression, as if to say “dude it’s just dishes relax, or dude it’s just a dirty house chill, or I’ll put something together to eat, no one’s dying”, it was obvious, this man loves me and he had settled it in his heart to live with a bad wife, it had to be the only explanation!
Some days I’d sit and nudge him, “tell me what I’m doing wrong, you haven’t mentioned how bad I am as a wife since we got married, are you like absolutely happy with the wife I am?” oh goodness! My poor husband quickly learned to ignore all these dramatic super wife “wanna” be scenes, so I guess I also eventually stopped participating in them too. I just started having fun, I decided I am going to just enjoy being married, because in all honesty, I have not experienced anything quite like it, anything quite as amazing. So I decided to chill, to keep my house clean when I have the energy to, to cook my husband a good meal as often as I can, to be a good friend everyday, and even in moments when I am not, to give myself a break, to be the best lover I can be, on our own terms and conditions, after all, we chose to be together forever- FOREVER! That’s a long time I tell you, so no pressure to get everything right now and there’s always the Holy Spirit to help us out.
I would get people asking me the weirdest things, “So Naz, do you dance for your husband everyday?”
Me: “No girl, I’m not a robot nor am I that fit, but if that’s what you want to do, go for it, I think your husband will like it, or not, whatever.” I mean the pressure!
Some things that I was told every man likes really don’t phase my husband. So I have had to ask what he prefers, what he enjoys, what he likes, what he finds fun, what makes him laugh and what makes him happy, I am still discovering some of these things, and some change, but I have moved away from formulas, “the good wife formula”, clearly I failed that class.
I have forever to get to know my husband, to enjoy my husband, to build OUR marriage and love story, though I learn a lot from other wives, I have realized that I get to enjoy us more when I am just myself, trying to be a good wife to my good husband, not a duplicate of someone else’s good wife. Submit, respect and love, anything else, I wing as I wake up every morning next to this amazing man God gave me.
Forever is long enough to learn to be “the good wife” , so newbies out there, relax, we’ll get there, for now let’s take in what we can. Embrace this season.
Image: (www.amazon.com)