One of my closest friends put up such an amazing piece of writing yesterday for her anniversary, I kept re-reading it because I couldn’t get enough, so this morning I told her that she reminded me of why I love putting words together (since I haven’t been inspired to do so in a while), so here I am giving it another shot and hoping the end product is worthy of a post, and if not, at least it’s a start after such a dry season.
I had a really hard day yesterday, somewhere between sleep deprivation and a teething baby my immune system took a hit and just when I thought I had survived Mr Winter without the flu, the darn virus got to me, and not only that but my little one caught it too. So there I was with a stuffy nose, itchy throat and a half operating body trying to get through a full feed with my little one on my breast with a nose just as stuffy and an added bonus of swollen gums trying to get him ready to eat meat one day.
In that moment I really didn’t feel like “mommy-ing” anyone, I just wanted my mommy, someone to make it okay for me, for the both of us I guess. Like the good old days when she’d rub some Vicks vapour rub on my back and tuck me into bed with that mommy is here for you look on her face. However, I haven’t had those kind of moments in years because at age 13 I moved to boarding school and well, it was kind of hard for her to achieve that 5hours away, so for years I had gotten used to receiving that comfort over the phone, and it somehow became enough, hearing my mom’s voice and knowing that she really cares. So then I did that, I picked up the phone and called her, really eager to hear her response, I started telling her how terrible I’m feeling, explaining and exaggerating every symptom the best way I could, and then patiently waiting for that soothing comfort from the other side of the phone. Well then, what followed definitely didn’t soothe anything in me, her first response was to ask if I had given the flu to Vukosi and if he is okay, on top of that she tells me she is finally getting me off her medical aid and replacing me with my baby. Just the comfort I needed right? Hehe. Anyway she was right, I’m old now, I should be on my own medical aid that’s no brainer, but she had all this time to have that conversation with me, not when I’m pouring my heart out about how sick I am. *sigh* I felt like that last born child who suddenly gets another sibling and has to fight for the last born spot, except this time it’s my own baby. Hehe. Tricky.
That moment brought on the reality that I am now THE mommy, I am now the one who needs to be rubbing vapour rub and comforting another human, I am the one who needs to tuck someone else in, make them chicken noodle soup and no matter how sick I am, I am the one who needs to take care of someone else and make their world all right- I am now the mommy.
I eventually got over myself, tried to be the baby to my husband and hoped he’d at least play that part for that moment, let’s just say he was distracted yesterday, so basically I had to see myself through this one. I mean even the woman at the pharmacy was against me, she refused to sell me anything before I see a doctor because I’m a breast feeding mommy, I’m telling you, I was just out of luck, I had to just be strong and overdose on some Hot Toddy Tea and ask my Jesus to comfort me. That went okay I guess, after some tears and venting, it all worked out at the end. I must say, no one prepared me for such moments I tell you.
I do feel better today, certainly less needy and more in control, up and ready to mommy!! It gets a little weird sometimes, this whole hearted selfless act of being a mother, it’s like learning to be someone else and unlearning a lot about yourself. Perhaps it’s the very reason most mothers burn out, they give and give and just when they think they are done, they give some more.
There are a lot of things motherhood is changing in me or making me aware of, but in the midst of becoming the mother I want to be, I have taken a decision to not try be that mother that has it all together. I am going to be that mother that cries when I want to, I want to be vulnerable with my kids, to say I don’t know and not make up answers because I am the adult, I am going to call my mommy and daddy and demand some comfort when needed, I want to be weak when I am actually weak, to let my kids experience the human I actually am. Truthfully, that’s already proving to be a difficult route, because I have inherited decades of supermom tendencies, and I really don’t want that for myself.
So here I am taking a step today and admitting that yesterday I didn’t want to be strong for anyone, I wanted to be sick with my sick baby, cuddle and be sick together and have someone take care of US. I wanted that, and most times my husband provides that for us, I was just out of luck yesterday lol. I want to be human, for many years I separated mother and human, and I feel bad for placing all those expectations on my own mother sometimes, but I am deciding to intentionally walk in that path, to be honest to myself and to those I love. To take that extra 15min in the shower by myself, to take myself out, to take a walk alone, to put the baby to sleep early and take evenings off. To reboot, love on myself so I can come and selflessly give to my baby. I truly believe mothers are better lovers when they are loved and when they love themselves. Dear mother, do some self loving things for you today. Be good to you. Have that piece of cake, postpone those dishes, put on some eye liner, do whatever you want, just do it!
#mothersunite #youngmommy #thegiftofmotherhood