Live Your Season.

Photo by James Wheeler

A few friends and I went to celebrate one of my friend’s engagement party in the Eastern Cape, Lusikisiki. My husband and I had been planning this trip for months but at the end only one of us could make it, so we decided to split the family in half. I would take Muhluri and he would stay with Vukosi. He had been separated from the family so it was a great opportunity for him and Kosi to bond, also out of all the preferences I have in life, traveling with my Kosi is not one of them. Toddlers don’t get the concept of being stuck in a moving vehicle, where are they supposed to run and break things?

I also started feeling really nervous about traveling for many hours with a 5 month old who is teething, so I picked up the phone and called my mommy. We were going to pass a town very close to my hometown so I asked her to take Muhluri for a few days (what a God-sent angel), of course she was up in a few min making a plan to help me out, and so she did. 3 hours into our trip I dropped Muhluri off with his gran and for the next two or so days, I would be by myself. Just Naz and other people, no husband, no toddler, no clingy Hluri, nothing, just me and other adults.

I had fantasized about such a moment, where I don’t have to be a mom, where I take my mommy hat off and just live life without being super aware of everything because my energetic toddler’s life depends on it, listen I could fall asleep and have no one screaming for my boob at 3am. Yes, for the next two days I could drink some wine, and do whatever people without kids do right? Let’s visit this world for a second…. ^dreamy sigh^

…. Fast forward to 30 min after Hluri’s drop off, I was on the phone with my mom discussing all things I was concerned about. “Mama he hasn’t started solids, he prefers to sleep on his tummy, he sometimes doesn’t like the bottle but try give him just before a huge tantrum, he baths with E45 so don’t use soap, he loves to cuddle mommy….. And and and…” After giving my mom a list of instructions (as if she wasn’t the one taking care of Hluri for the first few earlier months of his life) I hung up and continued on my trip.

…..fast forward to 15min after the call with my mommy, I was on a video call with hubby and Kosi. “How are you guys, did he eat, did he nap, what did he eat, please be careful he should not use the door to the pool, please make sure he doesn’t go up the stairs, don’t make him sleep in the baby room, you won’t hear him at night should he decide to wake up, blah blah blah” I was just so nervous because we are house sitting and the house is not child proof, hehehe so there I was taking control of a situation my husband had handled… What’s wrong with me?

I picked up my phone and texted my favorite What’s App group, full of wives and mommies who would totally understand and not judge me. I told them how worried I was and how ridiculous I feel because I have some time to myself and I am spending it fussing over my family….as usual.
They talked some sense into me and I made a decision to embrace this time alone. I picked up the book I was reading and carried on living my life. Hours passed and at every amazing turn or experience, I would wish my husband was there to see this or laugh at this with me. Don’t get me wrong, I had the best company with me, but I also wanted my husband to be there.

We arrived in the Eastern Cape and my boobs suddenly reminded me that I was a breastfeeding mama. I had only packed my electric pump and what do you know, there wasn’t any electricity for the night. I was in a state because any mother who knows the pain of engorged, rock hard size DD breasts would be too. So I did what our grannies and mommies did before pumps, I milked those boobs! I sat in that room milked my boobs and woke up again at 3am to do the same thing (so much for that fantasy right). The surprising thing is that I didn’t mind, this was my norm, doing things for my family is my norm and I love it.

The next morning we went to the bride’s home on that mountain top I was telling you about, all I kept thinking about was how much Kosi would love this place. The sand, the stones, the grass, all these things he loves playing with. My son would’ve loved it there. I actually really missed my kids. It was quite shocking how after one night of separation, I was so ready to be with them again.

I swept that feeling under the carpet and tried to continue with my day until an over stimulated toddler started crying wanting his mother, he reminded me of mine, and so my heart longed for my kids again. I knew for sure that I was grateful that they were not with me because it was quite busy and full, but I knew that I couldn’t wait to be reunited with them. I soaked in that moment and came to the realization that it doesn’t matter where I go, for this season in my life, I am a mother….and what shocked me was how much I loved that about myself. I had never felt what I felt that day, I longed to be mothering my kids. Yes the break was great, but I loved that this was my norm and my heart was content with it.
My kids are still small, they still need me for everything, and I am okay with that, I love that, I love being this mother in this season. And seasons will change, there will come a time where they don’t need me and I will be okay with that.
We tend to always look forward to the future, when we don’t have to wake up at 3am to feed or read to our toddler or whatever else we need to do in a specific season, but what a shame when we aren’t present. There are people my age doing all these things I would sometimes think I am missing out on, but when I get a chance to do them, I realize how much I don’t want to do them alone, I want to share them with my kids or my husband, I want to do them in my context, the one I have chosen.

My norm is enough, the life I chose is enough, it is mine, and until this trip, I didn’t realize how MUCH I loved it. How much I love being a wife and mother. It is my gift and it agrees with me.
So after everything, we got back on the road for a loooong drive, we eventually picked up Hluri and finally got to Joburg to be with the rest of my squad. My heart was so full, so full to be with them. My people, my gift, my season. It is all enough.

I always say this, find the life you want, choose it and live it. If it means switching off your phone and getting off social media to find it, do that. Live your truth. And know that you are enough.

Happy 2017, choose joy and pleasure always. It is your human right. God given human right.

Please Leave

My husband and I recently had our traditional wedding (2 years later I know, black folks don’t forget fam), anyway I was overwhelmed by all the things that frustrate me about our culture (black people that is). I truly expected the day to be a reminder of our love and commitment to each other, but instead it turned out to be a mess of emotions and wondering what on earth I got myself into, I should have just dated this man into infinity (but it just wouldn’t be the same Naz, and SEX you say …yes very good point) but don’t get distracted I have my reasons.

Leading up to the wedding, I spent two months in the Free State with my amazing mother, and I guess traditionally, for her, this occasion was the actual wedding, where she “officially gives me away to my in laws” so she felt it was her duty to thoroughly prepare me. I had weekly tutorials on how to make steamed bread from scratch, how to cook “motoho”, how to make a fire outside and all those things young girls grew up doing, except I was in boarding school so I never got to be trained. You could see how worried she was, because we had little time and now my in laws are going to think I wasn’t raised well…*falls asleep for a second because cuuuuuuuuuuummmmmm’on!!!* .Anyway, so week after week she would instruct me, demonstrate and I would then get on with it. This part of my preparation was a great way to bond, to make up for lost time (mother wounds, don’t even ask) as she never got the chance to fully digest the fact that her only daughter and last born is now a mother and wife. So the first few weeks were great, until she decided to get into the real life issues about marriage, with this came her sharing all the stories she hid from me as a child, but not only that, every elder that came to visit, she would ask them to give me advice and share their experiences. Needless to say, my mood was dampened by the information overload of BAD news, abuse and all the dysfunctional behavior that goes on in marriages that the black woman needs to endure. These elders were acting out of love, preparing me, but man it just depressed me.

Naturally I went to God because seriously, this cannot be right. I noticed that one of the main trends that created unhappy marriages was the culture of being a makoti. The top three trends were money, infidelity and the overlooked one, IN LAWS. I stand to be corrected but black culture says when you get married, the woman leaves her home and joins the man’s family and adhere to whatever rules and regulations the family has (whether you agree or not is something else) . The man does not actually leave; the woman’s new home is now the man’s home, together with the children and the elders from that family can basically make decisions for you, even when it comes to your kids, because they belong to them (these are of course the worst case scenarios).

However, scripture says, Matt 19:5 ; Genesis 2:24 (feel free to google the rest..) “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” There is a clear instruction for a man to leave his home; I personally believe that things that are specifically stated in the Bible are stated with reason. The consequences of ignoring them could be detrimental to humanity. Just looking at the three things I have stated, in the context of marriage, we are warned about the love of money, we are warned about adultery and there has to be a specific reason leaving was stated, because listening to all these stories, I realized that God was trying to protect us from harm, and going against that has obviously had consequences.

I cannot even comprehend some of the things I was told to endure, because it’s just the way marriage is. How has the devil managed to make us feel so helpless, to make us feel like we cannot change abusive aspects of a system we as humans created? I do not believe the system created in our cultures is holistically wrong, but there are flawed patterns in it we need to fix. Older women cannot fully understand the wrong parts of the system and choose to pass that on to younger generations, we cannot perpetuate the culture of creating more bitter black women. I appreciate the older women who have taken the efforts to fix this, because not all stories are bad from some younger wives around me and I acknowledge that.

This post is not even about my in-laws, this post is about the hope that marriages can really be what they were meant to be. Most of our parents have gone through unpleasant experiences that could have been avoided, experiences that have stolen their joy and caused them to believe that marriages are burdensome. A mother is meant to also experience overwhelming joy when her daughter gets married, knowing and being secure that marriage will add value to her life, not to worry about the nightmare that awaits her.

My belief is that marriages and families were created to contribute abundantly to humanity, to make life more enjoyable and to help create and nurture better human beings with admirable characters. I need a whole different post about why I believe in marriages and families, but I believe marriages are valuable to society. Families coming together shouldn’t be burdensome, it should create unity and reinforce the ability for humans to love each other deeply, and this we need to fight for, one issue at a time.

May we do better, fight these battles for our daughters, both men and women, may we do better in loving each other. If a system causes pain, it is our duty to discontinue whatever doesn’t work about it, and keep what does work. Finally, men leave, leave and cleave to your wife, not abandon your family, but lead in love and create a system you want your daughters to flourish in. Be brave.

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  Photo by Chut FOTO

He Catches Us Anyway

I spent a good part of my morning speaking about some of the things I had hidden in my heart about motherhood. The conversation started yesterday when I told the ladies about my gynae visit; the discovery that I have one of those special wombs and my eggs are situated in such a way that would make it very hard for me to fall pregnant. “People of your kind struggle to have kids” said the gynae, you can imagine the perplexed look on my face when I told the gynae that I have fallen pregnant three times in two years, no struggles what so ever. In fact every time I have sex ( when I’m not pregnant) I am 98% sure that my body is making a baby!
See when you look at my social media feed, it accurately represents my good moments as a mommy, some challenges maybe, but the deep things are hidden in my heart. Hearing the gynae tell me this yesterday brought a sense of comfort to me and here is why;

Before I got married, I had absolutely no peace with contraception, the whole concept didn’t make sense to me, after seeking for months on end, I felt strongly convicted that this path was not for me, at least at the time, I read up throughly on Christian views, prayed and found my own truth on the matter for where I was, of course I was super nervous because I was not ready to have a baby, my husband was unemployed, I had a start-up salary and everything we all hope to have when baby comes was no where to be seen, but I trusted my gut, I trusted God and so I took the plunge. In I went with no contraception, taaaah daaaah, honeymoon pregnancy. I had mixed feelings but God obviously had a plan right? At around 8weeks we lost our little one. I was devastated, but I still stuck to my guns, contraception still didn’t feel right, so a few months down the line we were pregnant with our first born. I kept my cool (I think) I then figured great, God is going to provide jobs and all the things I think we need since I prayed about this for nights on end. Months down the line no job, no income; but rent, groceries and some luxuries were covered for every month… for an entire year. Friends even gave us a car. Long story short we were provided for and I could clearly see God’s hand.

Challenge after challenge came our way and we had to get through. After I thought the storm was finally over, when it seemed like things will get better financially, we found out that we were having another baby, at the least expected time, in fact at our brokest point. This time not only did I feel we were not financially ready, but I wasn’t emotionally ready too, Vukosi hadn’t even turned one… I have since walked around feeling like an irresponsible human being for having brought kids into this world without having it “together” yet. Although our kids have never lacked, I have always wondered if I heard God wrong, if sex equals babies and God has no hand in it, so after hearing the gynae’s comment, I walked out feeling a little more certain (not entirely) but a little more certain that God decides these things, at least for me because it’s something I specifically needed clarity on. 
Although I have gone back to God about my views on contraception, and I will keep going back for every season, I still feel at the time our first born came, I believed and acted on what I felt God was saying, and the picture and plans weren’t Naz perfect, but I saw God. I don’t know what the future holds for each baby, but it’s a conversation I’ll keep having with God at every step, right now I definitely feel like I need to pray and find a contraceptive that will work for me, because this last pregnancy, for those who know my story, I literally almost died, lying in ICU for that week, I decided my body needs rest from pregnancy and of course because raising kids is actually hard work! This I am at peace with and I feel God has given my spirit the thumbs up. 
So after spending my morning telling the ladies all that was in my heart and having them listen and encourage me, I thought about the article I read about people showing only the good parts of their lives on social media, and I think sometimes it’s necessary to celebrate those parts publicly, sometimes it’s necessary to hide the deep parts from the public, it is not a safe space. I know I do that a lot with sensitive matters, I expose them in safe places with friends that know the full picture and will speak life into the wounds, I don’t want to be vulnerable and put it out there for someone who doesn’t know the big picture to give a comment that will mess me up.

However, today I am here to confess to moms and those who maybe look at me and feel I have motherhood all figured out, listen do not believe the hype, I am literally winging it. But trust God, with all feelings, the guilt, the joy, everything, even the feeling of being left behind- make a decision and run with it, because He catches us anyway. He really does, so this is a reminder to us feeling the pinch in some way; He catches us anyway, and everyone else can go to sleep with their opinions. Live, feel and make it count. He catches us anyway, even when we doubt.

We Have One Job.

A lot has happened since my last post, before I go on about all the new things I am experiencing I must acknowledge and show my gratitude to those who responded with the utmost empathy after my last post. I received text messages either sharing their experiences with me with that “you are not alone tone” or encouragement from those who had perhaps been there before or those who simply care. I am always amazed at how much people care, to even spend time reading these few words I sometimes take time to put together. The power of human relation is truly indescribable and I am beginning to have a much deeper appreciation for it. This will most probably be a very preachy post, but indulge if you are willing.

God and I, well mostly me, I have decided to start from scratch, I think I realized that there was evidently a gap in my understanding of who God is and I think I needed to forgo all these deep things I thought I knew about God and first remember why I chose Him in the first place. So then the conversation obviously needed to be honest, as honest as  I could let myself be- it went something like “ Hi God, so I must admit, I fell in love with you because of all the things you promised, well the things people taught me that you promise, and when those things were lost or threatened, I had no idea how to handle that betrayal, so here we are, I don’t know how to move forward because I still want the promises and it’s awkward now.” I then said a little prayer, probably shed a tear or two because it was quite painful to admit and then I continued with my life, probably grabbed my phone for Facebook or changed a nappy, I don’t remember, but I had said what I needed to say and that’s all I could handle for the day. Great.

Days passed and I kept repeating the same thing in my mind, desperately waiting to hear my spirit give me answers or hoping that in the process life will get a little less burdensome, until one morning in the shower ( I always get my deepest revelations in the shower, am I the only one? Weirdo, that’s okay) I felt this sense of peace and rest over me (How spiritual right? Yea I know don’t hate), I felt my spirit say “It’s okay, I know, I knew and I will always know” (what a romantic poet this God guy huh?). It hit me that these conversations are not to let God know about how I am, it is more to understand where I am and go through the process of perfecting genuine love- to be genuine in my love. God values Himself, all these posts from us humans telling each other to value ourselves, they are a response to who we truly are in the image we were created in, God values Himself, God created us in His image and we are then born to value ourselves, we can’t run away from it. God valuing Himself means He knows exactly what it is he deserves, He knows the kind of love that He deserves and together with that, God knows how the people He created ARE and fully understands how we ought to be and He dedicates Himself to making us more and more our true selves (definitely painting a more favorable picture of Him in this post neh? I doubt He’s even fazed by that though.J).

So in my context, just to ditch the christenese for a second, God says, “hello human, I love you, I want you, I would like you to want me too, so let’s work on this”, human wants love (and all the things that come with love), whatever view we have of love, it doesn’t matter we want it, so we say, “yes let us”. At this point God knows exactly why our answer is yes, be it money, car, success, or for some of us trying to stay out of hell because that alter call said I don’t know what might happen when I leave church, so just to be on the safe side, you say yes, it doesn’t matter, whatever the reason, it doesn’t matter, He knows and He is more than happy to be given a chance because He understands our flaws.  Time passes and depending on how much we are willing, we keep exploring this relationship more and more, often things are always so easy and honey moony in the beginning (for most of us) and then we get to a point where God starts taking us on deeper levels, every level has its own story, lesson, value etc. but all in effort of helping us understand the true meaning of genuine love, by love Himself. Some levels will be easier than others, most we will survive. There will then come a time where God will take us to a level that addresses the reason we are here, the actual reason, because He knows His worth, who He is, there will come a time He demands the love that He actually deserves (Cues Donald), a time this love we claim to have will be tested, because in the midst of us being in relation, God wants to be chosen, He wants to be chosen and purely so, and because of our imperfect selves, our choice will be demanded. I feel God is not threatened by our mediocre or shallow approach to love, He is not even fazed because He knows that it is His duty to grow us out of that, whatever it takes (dum dum dum), now that is the part I don’t like, “whatever it takes”. Whatever reason brings and keeps you here, it will be tested, and God will lovingly teach us this over and over again. Nothing matters more to God than us experiencing the fullness of life, the fullness of love and becoming who He intended us to be, because that is the ultimate joy, nothing supersedes that. Joy is our human right, how it is taught might not be our most favorite exercise, but it is our human God given right to experience joy in its fullness. I feel God says we need to all calm down and understand who is in control, our responsibility in this union is to be willing, under whatever circumstance, our only job or responsibility is to be willing and to respond, and He will handle the rest. He will get us to a place where we one day wake up and love Him for the right reason, a place where we understand, and no matter how long it takes to get us there, it will be worth it.

So be it you go through a test and decide that this is where you draw the line and you want out, I feel it breaks God’s heart yes, but more than that I feel God would much rather have us be genuine in our love for Him than for us to stick around and fake the funk. I do feel that even if we do walk away, He will not give up in His pursuit of us, of our hearts, but before we willingly respond to Him, He cannot force it, simply because choice is also our God given human right- the choice to say yes or no to Him. While we are here panicking about how impure our love for God or others is, He is more concerned with wanting to love us into perfection. So there is where I am, I am really scared of what I might have to go through to get to the place I should, but I at least know that it’s for the good, even if sometimes it is self-inflicted because of sin, it doesn’t matter because He is above that, and my only responsibility is to be willing and to respond. And I pray for the grace to keep fighting for us, even in hurt and disappointment, may I let God keep me here. I am still learning what Him loving me looks like, that is currently my hardest challenge, but I am willing to trust that He will reveal and I will see and respond. God our Father, a man who knows we need Him, and there is no shame in that. We were created to need Him, even if it’s just for that car, even if we rob ourselves for such mediocre things, He still cares enough to teach us the right way. We have one job, to be willing and to respond, and even that, He gets to walk us through the HOW.

 

(www.kingdomhorizon.com)

Flowers and Chocolates bab’God

I saw the featured picture and I couldn’t believe how accurate the message was for me. I have been feeling a sense of loss for the last few months, initially it felt like the temporary grief most stay-at-home-moms feel when they suddenly realize how deep of a calling motherhood is, when you wake up one day and notice that you have not taken a shower without constantly thinking that you’re hearing a crying baby or haven’t sat comfortably on the toilet without worrying about your little one waking up before you finish, that is of course if you are not sitting on the toilet with him on his rocker staring right at you while you do your business. 😕
There’s a sudden reality that hits you, something that forces you to remember YOU, between changing nappies and unbelievably loving this other human more than your heart can handle, you eventually understand that even in the middle of it all, you still need to find you and make time for you. At this point most moms tend to pick up a hobby or do something they used to love doing before mamahood, the grief usually wears off after a while and all seems to be well again.
That’s not particularly how my story went. I decided to start walking/jogging in the morning by myself as baby stayed with daddy. I did this because I used to love running. I wanted to be dancing but circumstances weren’t in my favour, so I did the next best thing. These morning sessions made quite a difference I won’t lie, I could see because my sense of humor was definitely improving.

The improvement was short lived though, I still felt something was missing, on the surface a lot was really better for me, this had nothing to do with mamahood or being a wife, my spiritual life had taken quite a knock. I was walking around with a bleeding heart and everything I could use as a distraction had now been tainted and just wasn’t working anymore. I think it started with a little wound I didn’t address, one that grew into something I didn’t expect. The only thing that usually heals my heart completely is my relationship with God, He is the one person I can immerse myself in and know it will be alright. Let’s just say it gets really awkward when the only person you trust with your whole heart is the very cause of your agony. You can imagine how my heart got to this point, it first took so much denial for me to admit that actually I do not trust God anymore. He disappointed me with something I specifically asked for, something I am so sure wouldn’t have really affected His kingdom or His plans, well whatever that means, point is I feel I made a small request that meant so much to me, and I felt like he overlooked it and didn’t even address it. So I was upset and I made those fake “He knows better” statements, I do believe these are true trust me, but I call it fake because at the time I didn’t believe it, I just pretended to because it felt like the right thing to do. Weeks passed and more disappointments kept barging into my life, I had safely assumed God was there at the door to make sure only welcomed guests made it through, but for some reason He seemed busy elsewhere. I didn’t doubt He existed and is still God because I could witness Him living and actively involved in the lives of those around me (the beauty of community) and it would really be silly to deny God because I’m disappointed. Even my earthly dad doesn’t stop existing because I’m mad at him, but anyway, God seemed to just be so quiet when it came to the things I wanted.

I remember telling a friend that it feels like He romanced me into an idea, and then suddenly left me. Like those lovers that just leave, or those dads you go find on Khumbu and they have the weirdest explanations about why they left. It’s like having such an amazing time on a first date and the guy suddenly never calls you ever again, after persuading you to date him for months. That is pretty much how I felt, like I didn’t get here by myself but now I have to find my own way…. all by myself. 😯
I started asking myself a lot of questions as there was clear evidence that perhaps I have been misunderstanding the way God works or how He does things. I didn’t want to fall into the trap of defining God because of something that didn’t work out but it was really hard not to, not to conclude based on this one thing that meant so much to me. So I decided to pause all knowledge I knew of Him and try to truly understand parts of Him I clearly am not fond of. This proved hard to do with a bleeding heart, it’s like having to be romantic with your husband when you’re clearly pissed off with him, I know I struggle with that, moving passed emotions, so it was no different with God. So then I just stayed there, I let out all my grievances and I just remained there hoping that one day He’ll make my heart better.

My husband tends to listen to a lot of Jason Upton when he feels a little overwhelmed, so I decided that perhaps it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to give it a try, I didn’t even know where to start, but this song popped up on SoundCloud and I went with it, it definitely gave me a bit of hope…
FAITH:
“Let faith arise, oh Lord, let faith arise
In the deepest parts of my being, oh Lord
In the most broken parts of me, oh Lord….
I say NO to the discouragement that keeps me down
I say NO to the things that keep me back from You
And this broken heart inside of me
Broken in so many pieces
By so many circumstances
I say NO to just letting it stay that way
Because I’m learning to trust that it’s not You that hurt me
I’m learning to believe that it’s not You that deserted me
I’m believing that You still love me
Brokenness and all
I’m believing that You’ve got a plan for me
I’m believing that You will restore me
I believe that You will awaken my soul
And let, let faith arise again…..
I’m gonna laugh again
I’m gonna cry again
I’m gonna have joy, joy on the inside
Circumstances around me try to pull me down
I’m going to believe in that faith again
‘Cause You’re my Creator
You’re my Comfort…”
…This was until I stopped in the middle of the song and realized that wait, I feel like God hurt me but I am the one apologizing to Him so that I can stop feeling hurt by Him… How does that work? How is it possible that I am always the one in the wrong in this relationship? See perhaps that perspective reveals a whole lot of issues I have with God, but I do know that’s another part of Him I don’t really like. He is supposed to show up with flowers and chocolates and explain to me why He didn’t come through and I really feel I will accept His apology, but I don’t feel He does that…. That’s where I’m stuck, I’m not going to leave God because we’re having a misunderstanding so all Christians reading this can breathe- because let’s face it, it just takes a decision to leave, and no one in the body enjoys seeing a sibling give up and walk away, it’s actually sore. However I do think it’s another story to walk around and pretend that all is “khumbaya” with you and God. Sometimes things aren’t all that great between my husband and I, but I stood in front of God and many people and vowed to be here forever, same goes with God, I feel we will have to work this out.
I must say that although I am not entirely there yet, having these tough conversations has really helped me make some form of progress. Some of my siblings in Christ have sat in sessions trying to convince me back to a happy place with God, and in most of these sessions I just wanted to walk out, yawn and go to sleep, lol, but people care, and sometimes you need to allow them to care the best way they know how to, so thank you for that. Though I’m still rolling my eyes at some of the things said to me. 😅
Truth is this walk with God isn’t easy, it actually isn’t. Time and time again the very Bible makes this very clear, and I think that sometimes our entitlement, brains and all these other factors we have access to make it even harder in this day and age, but I believe we all have a choice to either endure or to walk away, and I believe none of these things shock or scare God. I think as we continue on this journey with God, we will meet parts of Him we don’t like, and we get to decide how we respond to that, and that’s the freedom love allows. There are parts of who I am that my husband might not like, and as scary as it is, it is his choice to still be here with me everyday, regardless of that.

When I have finally gotten over this phase I am in, I hope to have enough guts to blog about it and share where I am. This last weekend someone said we tend to idolize our suffering and define God’s existence and nature based on that, that conversation has been ringing in my head and I feel the sore truth in that is getting me closer to my healing. Very hard to swallow but I realized that it might be the very thing causing issues in my relationship with God, but anyway I’m not ready to fully accept that. I still kinda want to be romanced into a happy place. Bring the flowers and chocolates bab’God! 😀

I do hope that those reading this are at a better place with God. Include me in your prayers too. Till next time, may life force you to be real with God and yourself. That’s my desire for all those who take time to read my blog, may life just force you to be real and most importantly to help you understand Him better. No matter how foolish you look, may we love being fools!
❤️

The Human Mommy.

One of my closest friends put up such an amazing piece of writing yesterday for her anniversary, I kept re-reading it because I couldn’t get enough, so this morning I told her that she reminded me of why I love putting words together (since I haven’t been inspired to do so in a while), so here I am giving it another shot and hoping the end product is worthy of a post, and if not, at least it’s a start after such a dry season.
I had a really hard day yesterday, somewhere between sleep deprivation and a teething baby my immune system took a hit and just when I thought I had survived Mr Winter without the flu, the darn virus got to me, and not only that but my little one caught it too. So there I was with a stuffy nose, itchy throat and a half operating body trying to get through a full feed with my little one on my breast with a nose just as stuffy and an added bonus of swollen gums trying to get him ready to eat meat one day. 
In that moment I really didn’t feel like “mommy-ing” anyone, I just wanted my mommy, someone to make it okay for me, for the both of us I guess. Like the good old days when she’d rub some Vicks vapour rub on my back and tuck me into bed with that mommy is here for you look on her face. However, I haven’t had those kind of moments in years because at age 13 I moved to boarding school and well, it was kind of hard for her to achieve that 5hours away, so for years I had gotten used to receiving that comfort over the phone, and it somehow became enough, hearing my mom’s voice and knowing that she really cares. So then I did that, I picked up the phone and called her, really eager to hear her response, I started telling her how terrible I’m feeling, explaining and exaggerating every symptom the best way I could, and then patiently waiting for that soothing comfort from the other side of the phone. Well then, what followed definitely didn’t soothe anything in me, her first response was to ask if I had given the flu to Vukosi and if he is okay, on top of that she tells me she is finally getting me off her medical aid and replacing me with my baby. Just the comfort I needed right? Hehe. Anyway she was right, I’m old now, I should be on my own medical aid that’s no brainer, but she had all this time to have that conversation with me, not when I’m pouring my heart out about how sick I am. *sigh* I felt like that last born child who suddenly gets another sibling and has to fight for the last born spot, except this time it’s my own baby. Hehe. Tricky.
That moment brought on the reality that I am now THE mommy, I am now the one who needs to be rubbing vapour rub and comforting another human, I am the one who needs to tuck someone else in, make them chicken noodle soup and no matter how sick I am, I am the one who needs to take care of someone else and make their world all right- I am now the mommy. 
I eventually got over myself, tried to be the baby to my husband and hoped he’d at least play that part for that moment, let’s just say he was distracted yesterday, so basically I had to see myself through this one. I mean even the woman at the pharmacy was against me, she refused to sell me anything before I see a doctor because I’m a breast feeding mommy, I’m telling you, I was just out of luck, I had to just be strong and overdose on some Hot Toddy Tea and ask my Jesus to comfort me. That went okay I guess, after some tears and venting, it all worked out at the end. I must say, no one prepared me for such moments I tell you.
I do feel better today, certainly less needy and more in control, up and ready to mommy!! It gets a little weird sometimes, this whole hearted selfless act of being a mother, it’s like learning to be someone else and unlearning a lot about yourself. Perhaps it’s the very reason most mothers burn out, they give and give and just when they think they are done, they give some more. 
There are a lot of things motherhood is changing in me or making me aware of, but in the midst of becoming the mother I want to be, I have taken a decision to not try be that mother that has it all together. I am going to be that mother that cries when I want to, I want to be vulnerable with my kids, to say I don’t know and not make up answers because I am the adult, I am going to call my mommy and daddy and demand some comfort when needed, I want to be weak when I am actually weak, to let my kids experience the human I actually am. Truthfully, that’s already proving to be a difficult route, because I have inherited decades of supermom tendencies, and I really don’t want that for myself. 
So here I am taking a step today and admitting that yesterday I didn’t want to be strong for anyone, I wanted to be sick with my sick baby, cuddle and be sick together and have someone take care of US. I wanted that, and most times my husband provides that for us, I was just out of luck yesterday lol. I want to be human, for many years I separated mother and human, and I feel bad for placing all those expectations on my own mother sometimes, but I am deciding to intentionally walk in that path, to be honest to myself and to those I love. To take that extra 15min in the shower by myself, to take myself out, to take a walk alone, to put the baby to sleep early and take evenings off. To reboot, love on myself so I can come and selflessly give to my baby. I truly believe mothers are better lovers when they are loved and when they love themselves. Dear mother, do some self loving things for you today. Be good to you. Have that piece of cake, postpone those dishes, put on some eye liner, do whatever you want, just do it!

#mothersunite #youngmommy #thegiftofmotherhood

Sick Of Being Sick

   We have been attending these intimate church gatherings at a friend’s home and on one of the Sundays someone shared about how it feels to have your thumb injured, how everything just seems painful and impossible to do, this made me think about my own life.

I tend to exeggerate when certain things in my life don’t come together, it starts feeling like my WHOLE life is falling apart, that one thing suddenly becomes the whole picture and everything appears too hard to bear. 

There have been so many desires and dreams that I have had to put on hold because of circumstances; be it a job lost, financial lack, time etc, but I have had to adjust certain parts of my life. As a result, I have been meditating on Proverbs 13:12 for a few months now and I would mostly focus my attention on the first part of the scripture, I would sob in God’s presence and talk about how sick my heart is, how He needs to renew my hope and oh dear me, my life is over…. Because of one or two things that aren’t coming to pass. 

After hearing the thumb story, I couldn’t stop thinking about what it meant to me; I had let an infected part of my life sicken my whole experience of this life thing, the only perspective I had was through the lense of this sickness. Yes my heart was sick, yes hope was deferred but there were also a lot of longings fulfilled in my life, but that didn’t seem to matter at all. 

Many desires had come and brought sweet satisfaction to my heart, but even those were short lived because I chose to dwell on being sick. I do this a lot, I forget, I ignore and I choose to be sad over one thing even if everything else is really okay. This does not define an entire life and I often let a thumb make me too sour to even enjoy my legs, head, nose and all the other parts working just fine.

I am challenging myself to start focusing on the desires that come, those that bring a sweet satisfaction to my heart, yes I will get sick, yes there will be delays but this life still needs to be lived and enjoyed, I still need to allow myself to wake up every morning and hope. 

For all the things delayed, we need to choose to hope, and if that seems too hard to do, let us at least celebrate that one thing, no matter how small, even if it’s just being able to get out of bed and face another day, at least ask God for that, the ability to hope over and over again, and the strength to celebrate and embrace the joy that the other “not so great” desires bring. Hope and learn to celebrate the good moments. 

The only way to appreciate our lives is to simply count our blessings and to remain hoping. 

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is like a tree of life.”

Depression Taught Me Compassion.

Photo by Lisa Fotios

I didn’t realise how well I had conditioned myself to supress my emotions until I became emotionally ill. Post-natal depression came into our home like an uninvited guest. Many articles warned me about it, but I didn’t expect to be part of the few that actually go through it. This made it even harder for me to deal with it when it came. I was overly prepared for labour and birth, I had watched birthing videos, I had read birthing stories and I had prepared myself mentally, but the one thing I failed to do was to prepare myself for recovery. In my mind, because I wanted a natural birth, I was going to spend painful hours in labour, give birth and taa-daa, I will have a baby to take care of yes, but life will just continue after that… Well big fat surprise Naz, recovery period was actually the hardest phase for me.

I remember my mommy calling me a few weeks before my due date and saying “Mami, come home so we can take care of you, it won’t be as easy as you think after giving birth…” even though I believe this would have made my life much easier, in our context it was not practical. I didn’t want a stranger delivering my baby as I had already built a bond with my midwife, I couldn’t leave my husband for a whole month, I wanted a water birth and I needed my husband with me in labour and my husband also needed to meet the baby and bond with him, so my natural response was to think culture is absurd to do this to marriages- to take the wife away and bring her back in three months. Although I do not agree with this method, after going through what I went through, I now at least understand some value in doing so, I don’t agree, but instead of judging those who do, I at least understand why- to some degree.

My husband and I decided we will figure it out together, just me and him, we decided to step up, bother the midwife and other moms night and day, read books and consult doctor google. Taking care of the baby was the easier part for me, we bathed the baby together, I was excited about breastfeeding, I mastered how to change a nappy, how to distract the baby while changing his clothes, how to burp him, I learned new ways to soothe him or put him to sleep and and and… All those things were not always very easy but I managed. The dreadful part was the emotional journey, my midwife did warn me about hectic mood swings for a few days when my real milk starts coming in, but little did I know that for me, post-natal depression was getting ready to meet me. I didn’t even realise what was happening till I was far in. In my mind these extremely emotional days were a result of a sleep deprived me adjusting to a new pattern, until I explained it to my midwife at my 6 weeks post-natal visit when she was asking how I have been, she immediately couldn’t believe that I had suffered in silence, all I had to do was get a script from her, head to the pharmacy and begin my healing process. I was sitting there thinking “anti-depressants? Nope, not for me” imagine! I was ashamed and I had no reason to be, I was emotionally ill. I have never been ashamed for having to take anti-biotics for a bad cough or something like that, but because this was not a physical ailment, my mind was immediately filled with pride and shame. I didn’t end up taking the pills because I had more good days, weather that was a good or bad decision I don’t know, but if I had to give any advice I would say, take your meds, same way I would tell a cancer patient to undergo chemo be it necessary, just get well, no shame in that.

Anyway this post isn’t so much about what I went through, but more about what I learnt from what I went through. My perspective about relating to others totally changed. I have always been quick to throw around my opinions about how people live, I have always felt entitled without thinking about how it might affect the other person, to me I felt we all need to be secure and let people say what they want, but I have come to want to learn to be more sensitive in understanding others better- even when I disagree with them. Depression corners you into feeling so alone and so helpless. I would be so down that I would sit and wonder about the day I will die and look forward to it. Forget the people that love me, forget my husband whom I love more than anyone, forget my 3month baby boy or anything I cared about, all that mattered was a way to escape the deep feeling or hole that no one around me seemed to understand. The worst thing about my recovery is the fact that my emotional pain was mixed with physical pain and fatigue. Nothing about who I am drove me to wake up every morning, the only thing that forced me was the fact that I had a baby to take care of and he needed me. I didn’t even have capacity to love my husband, I needed him to be strong, on top of snapping at him, not loving on him, being on his case, I still expected him to be here, more than that, I needed him to be here and love me the same. Only God knows how, but that he did *tears*. With everything he was going through, he still managed to be to here, as well as he could. The sad thing about depression is that no matter how much people love on you, you just seem too sick to let it matter. No phone calls, amount of visits, words of encouragement or support systems seem to be strong enough to pull you out. I even stopped talking about my feelings at some point, it didn’t seem to help. I decided to focus on the good moments and make the best of them because even my prayers and time with God felt a little empty, I would lay it down and trust that if there’s one person that at least fully comprehended where I was, it had to be God, my only hope.

I now look at people with anger issues or relational issues and feel like it’s my job to try make their lives easier. Be it praying for them, listening or just working hard to understand them, this is still not perfect but it’s what I am pursuing. I know how it feels to hurt those you love and feel like you have no control over it or know that it will happen again and you have no way of controlling it, or rather that’s how it feels. So the best bet is to withdraw or to just not exist anymore- as dramatic as it sounds, it’s actually true. I used to think people who commit suicide are selfish, but I now think that in that moment they are hurting so much that it feels like the most selfless thing to do. To rid your loved ones of seeing you in pain, of you hurting them and of course of simply hurting. It gets heavy, that heavy, I haven’t been at that level but I can only imagine.

One incident that made me realise that my heart was at work was when all I had to say about the Bruce Jenner/Caitlyn saga was that: I can’t imagine how it must have felt for him to wake up every morning fighting internally to get through the day. To believe he was trapped, I can’t imagine the emotional agony of an attacked identity, at that degree. To feel like who you are isn’t who you wish you were, for you to undergo excruciating surgery; to leave your family and fight to become someone else, that point of brokenness must really hurt. I didn’t have it in me to judge him or call him unpleasant names and make fun of him, although I don’t agree with what he did, all I had in mind was trying to understand his thought process and pain.

Humans go through a lot, and the best we can do sometimes is to try understand each other’s actions and ask God to show us how to respond to that, this does not equate to encouraging harmful and sinful behaviour, but it will help us to understand what love actually looks like. Sometimes we are too full of pride to admit that we don’t know how to love people, we have no idea and that is okay. We have Jesus to teach us compassion, love and correction. Love and compassion are underrated. The very things that can change the world are usually ignored. LOVE AND COMPASSION ARE UNDERRATED.

Journey To Bringing His Majesty Home.

It’s been exactly a month since I gave birth to our baby boy. For the last few weeks I have been getting the same questions: “How was it (it being labour)?” “How is motherhood?” and “How are you feeling?”. So here’s a post documenting most answers to the questions and to also serve as a personal reminder in case I forget how far my body can actually go when it’s cornered.

We had been waiting for Vukosi for months, and although we all know pregnancy is long, nothing feels longer than the last four weeks of being pregnant, from week 36 I was already feeling the impatient me come alive. Every pain, every sign and every feeling was filled with the hope that the baby is ready to come. We were really ambitious for first time parents, by week 38 we had cleared our schedules, packed our hospital bags and we were ready to welcome our prince! Let’s just say we ended up adding back multiple things to all the blank spaces we had created on our calendar, Vukosi was determined to do things his way and no one was going to mess with that.

40 weeks and 2 days, at 4 am I got woken up by a very unfamiliar pain, it stopped my world for 40 seconds, literally I just went into shock, and then I suspected, his majesty is trying to get hold of me. I walked to the bathroom and within seconds I was calling to my husband because our bathroom floor suddenly looked like it was in need of a bucket and a mop- yep, it was him, he was ready to meet us. We then eagerly opened the contraction timer App we had been waiting to use and started timing the pains as they came and went. Two hours into the cycle of falling asleep and getting woken up by pain, we decided it was time to call my midwife- 6 am seemed like a better time to call someone on a public holiday, as opposed to 4 am. She then told us to meet her at Genesis clinic at 8 o clock, I’m pretty sure this conversation happened in the middle of a contraction because I heard her tell us to call her back at 8 am, nothing about meeting. At 8 am when I called she was not pleased (understandably so) , who wants to work on Good Friday right? Anyway we eventually got to Genesis, cleared the air and got ready to bring Vukosi home. I was about 5 cm dilated when we got there, good thing I thought, she told us we’d be parents by 2 pm *air punch*. We then called our parents to tell them I’m in labour, I wasn’t interested in having anyone else bothering us every hour to ask how things were going, so they’d have to wait. My midwife asked what I’d like to eat and all I wanted at the time was a pepper steak pie, they advise you to eat light energy snacks like dried fruit, nuts and so on, but pastry was all I wanted- my body, my rules!:)  My husband then went  to get me one and man did I enjoy it- dankie Woolies. Okay enough about irrelevant things.

At about 10 am my midwife came in with what I’d call my pain reliever- a bean bag! Those bags you warm up in a microwave, man it made labour easier, if you are planning on using natural methods for pain relief in labour, please make sure you get that bag, together with a birthing ball, I felt in control of most of my contractions, the pain was manageable, thank the Lord, for someone with my kind of tolerance for pain, I didn’t think I’d be able to manage anything in labour. An hour or so later I then went for a walk with my midwife, I must tell you walking around the neighborhood with no bra, a bean bag and weird facial expressions can really attract some attention, but trust me in that moment I couldn’t care less. I needed to do something, anything to distract me from the transition phase that I was anticipating, this for those who don’t know is usually the most painful part of labour, where contractions show most women no mercy, so for me I found movement to help, it served as a good distraction, lying on the bed however made me feel every bit of the pain, so if you happen to have a similar experience in labour, keep moving…with the bean bag of course!

12 pm, by now hubby and I are counting down, at this point I was still sane, I could still smile between contractions and be able to hold up the excitement of meeting our little one, while trying to fall asleep, which failed of course. I then took a shower, most interesting shower as my 77 kg self was bouncing on a birthing ball and trying not to slip and fall at the same time. After succeeding at that, my midwife came in at about 2 pm to monitor the baby’s heart rate and see how far I had dilated, she then decided to break my waters and warned me that shortly after the contractions would intensify- the dreaded transition phase was upon us. After a while nothing had happened, there I was thinking, “oh yay, transition phase isn’t so bad”, until of course she told me that I wasn’t dilating fast enough, she was then going to put me on a drip to increase my contractions and something to help me survive that and fall asleep. She also suspected that I had meconium in me, in simple terms the baby might have pooped, this suspicion cancelled out the possibility of a water birth, well that was disappointing, but I was still relieved that she didn’t suggest an emergency caesarean. Anyway, the drip kicked in shortly and though I vaguely remember anything after that drip, my husband says I woke up screaming at the top of my voice and punching the wall- which explains my bruised wrists now that I think of it. My midwife came in and told me to not hurt my vocal cords and punching walls won’t help me…. Well let’s swiftly move along, she is an awesome person nevertheless. It was then time to push, the most confusing 15 minutes of my life. So many things went through my head as I was trying to get my baby’s head to earth, lol oh my, the most vivid memory I had in the midst of that confusion was, “God, never again!!”. As my husband was lying next to me cheering me on, I was thinking ” Wow God, you must have been pissed at Eve!”

After all that, I saw a human shoot out of me, then a cry followed, they then put him on my chest, the daddy cut the umbilical cord and there it was, we were now officially parents to a healthy 3,2 kg baby boy. So many mixed feelings but my favorite in that moment was a big fat sigh of relief, it was over, after 10 months, it was finally over- well so I thought…nobody warned me about the recovery and the impact of mommy blues, but that’s for another day, still navigating that road.

For any women who think they won’t survive labour, who think they might just stop and say, “look I can’t do it, I change my mind”, this post is to say you can, I read many labour stories before I gave birth, some helped me survive, so here is mine, hoping it will help someone or just entertain, whatever works for you.

After a month, I am still thinking of other ways to have babies- lol. But I have learnt so much from this little one, mostly how to love deeply all over again. I look forward to raising this little angel. Vukosi Ululamile Hlungwani, such a pleasure having you around my love. Such a pleasure. Here’s to many more posts about the journey we will have with you. 💖

     

Random Post By The 25 Year Old Me.

Photo by Pineapple Supply Co.

Happy 25th birthday to me.😊

I am scared of the 25 year old me, I am scared of all the things I am yet to discover about who I am. 25 years of living has made me addicted to wanting to know myself a little better each day. I’ve been introduced to my real desires, views about life and all the scary dysfunctions I carry around with me daily. What is even scarier is that what I believe about life and who I am right now will most likely change in the next 25years, and because of who I am, I plan to live that out whole-heartedly as well. I could be a totally different person in the future, in fact I will be, my hope is that the different me is indeed the better, more improved version of the current me.

I should be desiring something more wild at this age, a tangible achievement, maybe one I can hang on a wall someday. I should be out chasing the wind, finding a melody in my heart that will take me places, but I have become so addicted to being here that everything outside of this place terrifies me. This place is filled with the simplicity I enjoy, it is filled with afternoon naps in the sun, morning kisses that go straight to my heart, laughter with friends, giggles with myself, awkward phone calls from family, junk food at the right craving time, smiles and awesome conversations worth having over and over again, this place is filled with all the simple things I enjoy. Yes of course it is also filled with a lack of nice materials I want, no fancy holidays in France, definitely no daily gourmet meals, I don’t have a chocolate fountain in the middle of my room or a heated toilet seat, I don’t have an inspirational kitchen or a dance studio in my backyard. I don’t have fancy clothes and a car with seats that massage my bum and warm it up on a cold day. I lack all those things, and sometimes that gets to me- a lot! Like when my husband asked me what I want to do today, and all I wanted was to wake up, catch a flight to some nice island, have lots of sex and come back in three days to give birth and be here again, of course in the middle of my answer we both chuckled and moved along. So that’s the only annoying thing about this place that I love so much. The not so great thing about this 25year old version of me. So I am hoping to bump into a more selfless me in the next few years, one that won’t be bothered by missing materials but be so planted in seeing lives changed, in seeing a happier and more loving society, in seeing healthier families, seeing kids grow up to be who they really are, seeing a nation devoted to God. I guess in today’s terms, we can call these my dreams. To live beyond myself and play a role in the restoration of humanity, but here is why I am scared of the future me:

I love feeling like I am taken care of 24/7. My parents did it so well that I fell deeply in love with it. My husband does it too well that I don’t want anything else. I like pitching up with no worries, feeling like God has fixed everything for me that even the hard work could be done with ease. I hear people talking about how much they love challenges, I used to be one of those, but honestly I hate hard challenges, the possibility of not doing well freaks me out. I love being good at what I do, this is why I am scared of my dreams. I look at how far gone the world is and I cannot imagine my efforts bringing it back, too big and too scary for me to pursue. I want to see families disciple their own, every individual becoming a product that is willing to give abundantly to this world, kids growing up understanding love, poverty no longer being an issue, our hearts desiring to serve one other, putting others before ourselves, caring for the other like we would care for ourselves, knowing God, really knowing God. I mean, where am I going to start right?

So as I turn 25 today, I hope to be a little less scared of my dreams, the future me, I hope to go all out, the next 25 years aren’t guaranteed, so here goes nothing. Deep breath, God and well, that’s all really.

Happy birthday beautiful Mahadi. What an asset to humanity. A valuable contribution.