I saw a quote the other day that triggered me to think about the state of my heart. It spoke about having a softened heart even though hardships and tragedy break them in unimaginable ways; ways that often demand us to pause time and rebuild ourselves in contexts we do not recognize or wish to exist in. Tragedy really tends to dismantle and disempower us, and while we think it can least pause time for us to get back up, the wheel keeps moving and we just need to find ways to keep piling the bricks back up and hope nothing blows them over again (at least not for a while).
We have all had some seasons that have felt like this, where a drizzle starts, it maybe escalates into some rain and before we know it, it just feels like it won’t stop pouring. I imagine a lot of us relate to such a season in this pandemic, where every other tweet, conversation, article or experience seems to highlight the heaviness and impact of the pandemic, where everyone is just trying to make it to the next moment without breaking anything further inside of them.
But what do we do when our hearts keep breaking? How do we rebuild? How do we even begin to overcome? Honestly, I do not think I have a step by step guide on how to, so maybe if you are reading this post with that hope, let me not disappoint you any further, the guide isn’t going to come. What I would like to do is unpack something that recently happened in my life, share my process and only hope at the end of this post it might help someone to at least start looking for the bricks and attempt to rebuild with a lighter heart.
There is something about the things we hold in our hearts that burden or free us; when we hold despair, hopelessness, anger, resentment and bitterness, everything we touch and experience will be tainted with the darkness that seems to come with those emotions. When we hold love, peace, joy, hope and kindness, everything we experience, and touch will also make that evident. What we hold in our hearts affects everything about us, and unfortunately, the darkness of tragedy goes straight to the heart and leaves very little light for us to come back to.
We got news about a death in our community this last week, one I couldn’t even begin to process without being angry. I couldn’t accurately articulate what my heart felt when I heard the news, but what I recognized was an overwhelming sense of anger and sadness. I had no capacity or desire to proclaim any hope, any scripture, any life-giving word, phrase, song or anything of that nature. I needed everything in me to embrace and understand the anger and darkness that surrounded my heart in the moment, it was an unjust event and it deserved to be acknowledged as that.
As I took the time to sit with my emotions, all other traumatic events that my heart had passed through flooded my memory again. All things that had tested me in the most hurtful ways and caused me pain suddenly found their way back to my reality and I couldn’t figure out the reason why. It took some time and processing to realize that, perhaps all familiar wounds in us gather again when a fresh wound enters our souls. Perhaps some gather because they were buried alive, some might gather as a mere reminder that pain will visit time and again, but I think most gather as an affirmation that this that we feel is not new, that we once overcame it and it is indeed possible to overcome it yet again.
I started thinking about those who have lived more than I have, those who have faced more than I have and wondered how on earth they have managed to not harden their hearts towards life. I think some have hardened their hearts to survive, and for that I offer nothing but compassion because trials and tribulations can really break us down. However, there are some who have managed to preserve the gentleness in their hearts, those who still manage to hold light in them even though darkness has consumed them over and over again, and while I was being honest, I realized that I have not managed to be this person in some parts of my life. Some things have been too hard to not just bury, and because our souls can hold so much, all the rot has remained disguised and this fresh wound has exposed that. I felt a sense of gratitude for something like that being brought into light, and I walked away with the revelation that keeping our hearts softened amid tragedy should really be something we prioritize. Tragedy might not stop visiting us, we might keep experiencing the same kind of violence with every visit, but who do we become when the dust settles? Do we choose healing? Do we remain in the dark? Do we hope again? Who do we become when the dust settles?
There is a lot happening in each one of us, we might not be ready to unwrap, clean and heal some wounds, we might not be willing to heal from some of our deepest pain, we might not know how to move back towards the light, but let us at least start by being aware of where we are. Let us acknowledge the hardened parts in us and let us at least grief parts of us that tragedy has changed. Once we do that, perhaps the courage to rebuild will come. While we pray, while we cry, while we gather up the energy to have these conversations in our safe spaces, perhaps we can then begin to pile up the bricks again.
May our hearts remain soft amid pain, may the light find us again and may we never settle for the pain of living with hardened hearts. There is life after tragedy, and even though we do not see it yet, we can process until we find it again.
I wish us healing, comfort, love and hope in this season.
“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world” John 16:33
Rudimental Truths 