We put my grandmother to rest this last weekend. My heart is still heavy and that was unexpected. I expected that when this day came I would be okay you know; she lived a full life, she served her God and most importantly she showed me her unconditional love, so I expected to just let go and have peace with the fact that our journeys do end. That doesn’t seem to be the case, I am finding it hard to do so because I keep on thinking about how much I will miss her unconditional love. In this world filled with evil intentions, harsh hearts and brokenness, experiencing a love that purely loves you for the mere fact that you exist is rare.

There are many things I can say about my grandparents and parents, but the one thing that stands out is that I am loved. It’s a deep knowing in my heart, it’s what I feel/felt around them, it’s their actions that have never lied and their words that carry my heart. Thinking that I have lost one more person that made me feel that way really tore me apart. I am still trying to recover.

The day I received the news, I went home and carried on with my end of day routine; cooked, spent time with the kids, spent some time catching up on “The Queen” after I put them to bed and waited for hubby to get home. My heart was okay, I cried a few tears but I said a prayer of thanksgiving to God for having kept her to experience some of what I consider my favorite moments on earth; my graduation, my wedding day and having met and spent time with my kids. I felt a sense of gratitude that she shared these moments with me. The week progressed and all was still well with my soul.

I got to Qwa Qwa and got ready for the funeral, the morning of the funeral I got to her place and looked for my mom, I embraced her and said my hellos as I hadn’t seen her. She asked if I wanted to see my gran and we had our usual argument, one we have at all funerals were she insists I see the person and I always refuse because I like the last memory to be of them living, but I hadn’t seen my gran in a while so Mommy convinced me that she still looks the same and I should just go say goodbye. So she took my hand and we walked into the room, she laid there peacefully, looking like her usual self just with no life in her. I froze and just stared, all the gogo’s in the room felt a little uncomfortable by my reaction until Mommy nudged me and said I must tell her to Rest In Peace, I muttered those words and left the room. In that moment I met the reality that she is indeed gone, I broke down and pretty much cried myself through the service and eventually the day. I remembered how I would spend the whole day with her and most of our conversation would be made up of how proud she is of me. She would always choose the best chicken for me to take home and slaughter (lol ofcourse I didn’t do the actual slaughtering because Model C child), she didn’t have much and would always try offer me her pension money to show her appreciation. When she started living with my mom she would spend a lot of time with my kids and I could see how she lit up when I walked in with them, it’s those rare moments my heart will miss. To be loved and embraced and know you have a home in someone’s heart.

I don’t really know how to grieve, but I definitely need to learn, I was shocked to learn that all these years my gran had never been a sickly person, she literally started being sick the year my grandad (REMARKABLE MAN!) passed away, from that year we have been battling to keep her well till the day she left us. When my mom was talking about this at the funeral, it hit me that granny never fully recovered emotionally and physically from the loss of her husband, how deeply do you need to love someone for it to affect you that much? I promised myself that I would learn to grieve properly with her so in future I know how to deal with the death of a loved one. My beloved mom insisted on taking her grandkids so I can have some time to process my feelings without any distractions. I guess this blog post is my first step to grieving my beloved gran, I don’t know what’s still to come, but I’m prepared to embrace whatever it is and find healing and comfort.

God knows how grateful I am to have grown up in a family that makes me the centre of their lives, and perhaps that’s why I struggle to stay in environments that make me feel any less. I have known love, in my lifetime, I have known unconditional love from other humans, and I lost one of those humans. My heart is sore, but healing will come.

This is my road to recovery…

God thank you for the gift of life.

Picture from http://www.zocalopublicsquare.org